There are so many people in your same situation. Speak your truth. Say it anyway. Don’t ever feel silly or too angry or like you’re gloating or complaining. Continue reading “A Thousand Times”
Retiring My Emotional Armor
Yesterday was an emotional day for me. The purging hurt so good. The death of an antiquated pattern, shedding my dumb-suit. My beauty radiating blissfully from under the decaying camouflage. Reflecting on how different I am today. It hit me hard. Like my heart was cracking open to love – love for myself. Continue reading “Retiring My Emotional Armor”
i find it to be quite interesting that my throat – the place where Wisdom emanates from my being – is under attack. My personal truth, these days, freely flows out of me without much rehearsal and angst. I used to have to fight to be heard, taken seriously, seen. As a wee little person, I was afraid to speak up or out against anything or anyone, no matter how obvious and insidious the injustice. For fear of being hurt, disowned, different, seen, ignored, shamed, humiliated – fuck, that’s a lot of blockage. It was much easier and safer to remain unseen, unheard, un-human. All tucked away in my larynx. The organ of self expression. The holder of secrets. Of stuffed emotions.
The more baggage/trauma that crams up sideways in our throats, clogs our ability to speak our truth without the fear of being annihilated… this blockage of energy, over time, creates disease. The thyroid slowly malfunctions – giving you, finally, what you want – shutting down the forces that keep you functioning, the proof of our aliveness, our voice. This human communication frequency- stifled. We comply to the old parameters of “allowed” existence until, one fine day, we find our voice and slowly, standing up to the shadows of the past- step into our ROAR.
Yesterday I really used my voice. By “voice” I mean put myself out there for others to see me speaking my truth. I was asked by one of my bosses to lead a group of teens and then a large group of adults, in a guided meditation. Daunting task for sure. I told him, “that hat scares the shit out of me! Let’s do it” LOL. In the next couple of days I actively resisted the urge to REHEARSE endlessly and woke on a few occasions at 4:30 am to record the words that were being channeled (to me) by one of my Spirit Guides.
I felt strong, healthy, connected and NORMAL – doing what I love. No script, just freely flowing words from my higher self and spirit help. And I did this for an audience of 30 teens and then, later that day, 60 adults. It felt amazing. I received some really great feedback. Words cannot accurately capture what I was feeling. Maybe the thawing of what was. The shattering of the old silence replaced by new possibility. I had done this many, many times before but rarely with groups this large AND never with people who didn’t sign up for it.
This morning I woke with the rawest sore throat I’ve had since being a teenager. I expected to see blood when I opened up and looked in the mirror. Nope. As a kid my throat was frequently attacked, what a shock 🙄. For me, today, this is a sign that I’m doing good work. Throat Chakra work that does not yet have a permanent residence in my physical body. My throat may protest for a while by getting sore, voice disappearing, swollen glands, dryness, etc. whatever it can throw at me so it can continue playing small. This is what’s been comfortable.
The “No pain, No gain” and heart might just apply here. Old patterns are disrupted, light shining into the dark places. Old dysfunction will be cleared. Throat issues are a reminder of what was, while creating what will NOW be.
“It’s unbelievable how many ppl carry this around with them and then all of the sudden come out with – I was sexually abused as a kid. They go their whole life, carrying it around and never say anything”. Continue reading “Shhhhhh”
Badass For Shore
How To Survive (The Family) Holidays – 13 Joyful Hacks
So, the Holidays, hmmmmm. I’m guessing that some of my readers may be very excited for Holidays. I am also knowing that there’s a whole other section of the general pop who are digging themselves a large hole, preparing to jump in to escape all things “family celebration”. Continue reading “How To Survive (The Family) Holidays – 13 Joyful Hacks”
As A Tree, I Heal
I believe in the magic of trees. I can be found touching, smelling and cozying up to trees. They’re all so welcoming, fragrant, protective and accepting of love from us. My ancient friends on my land, lovingly offer their sap which I respectfully process into delicious syrup. Bark, of the Shag-bark tree also creates a delectable syrup. Elderberry, Linden, Maples, Oaks, Willow… Oh, my momma Willow. How I honor thee. I would say one of the most disappointing events I witnessed this year involved my 100+ yr old Willows. Continue reading “As A Tree, I Heal”
Just Stop Talking
I really feel sick with what is going on in this world. Not fearful. Just disgusted. Honestly, I listen to/watch very little TV and other Media. I have no container. Continue reading “Just Stop Talking”
As The Smoke Dissipates
Oh the opportunity to feel, when no-one’s looking. Today I took my sad ass outside to sit by the fire pit. Sweet Grass, Sage, Palo Santo, healing wand in hand. All with the intention to purge, to sit in the fresh air and sunshine. Handing myself over to the earth, to the powers that be. To bear my sadness, grief and hate to the trees and listen for their wisdom.
I light the Sweet Grass, quickly the fire spreads to the Sage and engulfs the Palo Santo. Sweet ceremonial earthy fragrance circles around my tear streamed face. With a turkey feather I assist the plumes around my head and body intending to bebseen in my grief and hate. With the intention of healing the deepest sadness I carry. With the intention of Bird Medicine supporting my use of a home-made healing wand, dispersing the smoke with Hawk, Turkey, Crow and Peacock plumes. The smoke making its way to my body’s energetic centers. Bird medicine feels so right, calling on Hawk or Crow to watch over me as I present my latest emotional garbage for renewal and healing.
I am hit with a wall of grief, to the solar plexus (navel area) with the likeness of being gutted. It arrives in waves of rage and sorrow, guilt and shock. She’s getting ready to die. My Mother. I feel the disruption, the frantic, the reaching. I am questioning my platform, my truth. Am I too selfish? Mean? Demonic? Am I self-protective to a fault? Am I stuck in a battle that is long past? Is there self hate for the parts of myself that are unyielding? Is there love for my unhealed, rough parts?
There are no right answers. There are, though, many haters on this path. When we choose to do the right thing and live our truth those closest to us seem to lose their fucking minds. It’s like you are being asked to live everyone else’s guilt and have to’s and should have’s. Like I don’t have enough of that shit myself. Eye roll. I think that people lose sight of “mind your own fucking business” when someone is suffering. I think it’s “normal” to want to take action and ease someone’s suffering. But stay in your own lane and do your thing. The second you expect anyone to join in on your next best idea this is when you fail.
I am not here to alleviate anyone’s suffering – mental or physical. Period. I am no lifeline or Savior. Lately I feel so distant from my Mother’s situation. I am done attempting to fulfill her needs at the expense of my own mental health. I’ve spent 34 years of my precious life doing that. Fuck that. I vow to my inner child to not give up on her (inner child) and to put her safety and sanity first. I refuse to continue giving up this precious little child inside of me -handing her over to be slaughtered and used. She’s way too precious. EVEN if the slaughter-er is dying. Even if. The threat of death doesn’t change anything for me. Nothing changes. Which shocks the shit out of those around me. It remains me, living my truth. Even if no-one supports me. Even if.
Please let me live with the consequences of not seeing her one last time. Let me feel it. Let me feel the wide open freedom of knowing she won’t show up and stalk me and whisper in my ear “You’re trapped”. Let me know that I will never feel her seductive touch. Let me feel the reality of this world rather than be told lies about everything and anything. Let me be fabulous, and smart, and worthy and just right in my body without someone putting the doubt in my head that I’m too much and should dumb down my glory or that someone ELSE deserves the credit for what I’VE accomplished.
So as the smoke dissipates and my tears subside, feelings of satisfaction and completeness arise. I fill my lungs with fresh Winter air, imagining the breath traveling down to my Winter boots and into the earth. SHE supports me, Mother Earth. Supports my journey and the beautiful mess that I am. I’ve accomplished a whole lot, Mother, without you, despite you. Anyways. Because of your self-hate and baggage. Because of your traumatic disowned past. Because of generational mental illness and sexual abuse.
And what a wonderful existence was waiting for me. Without you. Without thinking of you, without remembering that I even have a Mother. Thank-you for all you’ve taught me about my worth, my ability to see reality and my love for my body. Anyway. Anyway.
As the smoke dissipates. You were wrong. I am amazing.
Here, Wait, I Believe This Dead Is Yours
Oh, by the way, have I shared my expertise regarding the long term effects as a result of a dark childhood? Unfortunately, I know all too well, the life-long repercussions – the DEAD they placed inside of me, in us. Continue reading “Here, Wait, I Believe This Dead Is Yours”
When I took this picture last fall, a warm smile took over my face. It reminded me of a portal, where Fairies and light beings play – visible only through the hard work of a wild, tree drilling, feathered beast. Then, the realization of Mary 5… Continue reading “Mary 5”
The Forgiveness Trap
For 20 years, I’ve received a ton of battering regarding the Forgiveness issue. Even the most well meaning, heartful folks cut me deeper than they’ll ever know. Continue reading “The Forgiveness Trap”
Canned Peaches and Custard (continued)
This piece is a continuation of my original post with the same title (JULY 7, 2018)
So I’ve lost so much body weight….. I look down and there’s the body of a nine-year old. I suddenly feel distant/cold. My body is betraying me, this feels like a dirty trick, where’s my fat? my padding? my womanly curves? my safety from physical betrayal of my past? Continue reading “Canned Peaches and Custard (continued)”
In Sickness And In Health
Emerging victorious after sickness, specifically, the FLU can be likened to emerging from childhood, alive. Continue reading “In Sickness And In Health”