Angels · Human Spirit · Uncategorized

Want me to get that?

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I’ve always been hell bent on being strong and independent. This week I was teaching an adult education night course and packed a large bag with my crystal bowls, drum and yoga mats. The bag was not overly heavy but it was very awkward. There was a Volleyball game at the high school that night so the parking lot was full. It was a long walk carrying this bag. I was approached by this man. He asked me if he could carry my bag for me. Now…the old me would have politely declined and would have beat myself up for it all night long. The new me said, “Sure, that would be great” and I handed my bag over. What a beautiful gesture! He carried it all the way to my classroom. Pretty sure this man was an angel šŸ˜‡ in human form…

Let’s not mind our own business. Let’s offer our support, risking rejection. Let’s make each other’s lives a little more comfortable. Let’s put ourselves out there without investment in the outcome. Let the reward be our heart opening, even if the other person doesn’t say thank-you or otherwise acknowledge us.

Change · Uncategorized

October

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October is a month of transition. Leaves willingly release the security of the branches that have nurtured them. Fully embracing their journey onto the earth – all in the name of something larger, something magnificent…trees storing up power in the form of nutrients in order to support new, healthy life in the spring. Our lives follow a similar pattern. You may blossom and grow then allowing a part of yourself to “die off” making room for the new you, to start the process all over again in the Springtime of your days. Here’s to releasing the dead wood in your life – the creaky, the crotchety, letting it all fall away, into the earth.

Forgiveness · healing · healthy · Uncategorized

I could never save you

So much sadness – playing out. Her mental illness more translucent than ever. Infantile, empty, spiraling, desperate. Her energy screams- save me. Her wanting to orchestrate, push and control others. More than happy to reduce (anyone but primarily) her children, to servants. Her constant chatter, talking just to talk. Pitiful attempts to get her soldiers to respect her, respect her wishes, follow her crazy, blindly. Unsuccessful. Relentless reporting out to others. People, facts she’s confusing. Desperate to connect the dots, connect with others, but clueless as to how to execute.

Tragic, really.

I can’t help you mother. I never could. Any sign of weakness or vulnerability – sinking your teeth in, you just consumed me. If I give up my boundaries, my SELF, I can have a Mother. You can’t help it. I know this. The wanting I feel in your energy field keeps me just out of reach. You pulled the strings, a masterful puppeteer, directed my life. And when I strayed too far onto the edge of reality or erected a healthy boundary… you schooled me with your disapproving looks and shame.

Although I feel crushing sadness for the way you’ve regressed, your devouring, degrading and energy snatching persona is repulsive to me. If only you were able to see what I see. If only. Instead you slip deeper into your unreality. Maybe one day, eventually, forgetting who I am. Completely. That should hurt when your biological Mother cannot remember who you are… I think it hurts more that she NEVER knew who I really was under the handcrafted outward appearance of a pretty, sweet, unassuming Catholic girl. It hurts more that I didn’t have a good Mother. An available Mother. A warm, safe Mother. Can she really forget something/someone she never knew in the first place?

I can’t save you from the life you’ve fashioned for yourself. Non-reality will be permanent for you now. Dementia, a gift of sorts. It’s what you’ve always wanted – your brain finally conceded. Thank you for teaching me what to run from, separating myself. Giving everything up to protect myself from degradation, shame, guilt, control, crazy, intrusiveness, invasion, abuse, betrayal…too much to list.

I can’t save you now. I never could.