Life is great until it sucks
Life sucks until it doesn’t
Nothing is permanent
Except when it is
Then I wish it wasn’t Continue reading “Shadow Rising”
Life is great until it sucks
Life sucks until it doesn’t
Nothing is permanent
Except when it is
Then I wish it wasn’t Continue reading “Shadow Rising”
So I’m visiting this mental health facility today, testing a student. Steven walks me to the back of this beautiful place. Hallways look a little like a maze, some high ceilings, most rooms smacking of afterthought and haphazard building design. Continue reading “This School tho”
Perfectionism……………………….
Per-fect-shun-is-ummmm. Hmmm, shunning the perfect, the pressure, warped sense of acceptable. No more reliving what we’ve been taught. Release the grip on the torch we’ve carried to keep ourselves in check and appear flawless. Allow the cracks to happen…how else will the light get in?
Wake up with that catastrophic feeling. The exhale feels too deep, too dangerous to surrender to. I may not be able to take anything in if I let go and give everything away on a breath. Inhalation shallow as to not take anything in -too deeply- or permanently. Continue reading “Evicting Dread”
Do you give thanks everyday for your body? Your amazingly perfect physical-ness? You should! You should express your gratitude for your bones, joints, skin, liver, your feet, your eyesight, your pancreas, your nose, your brain, the hair on your toes, on your head, even parts that hurt, are sick or not exactly making you happy right now. Every organ, every inch of your body. Become aware, today. Become aware of how you choose to treat the miracle of YOU. The miracle of thinking, being, feeling, acting and reacting. Offer it love, give it exercise – whether or not it complains or balks, give it good food – try things you’ve read about and don’t forget the water, generous amounts of water. Say thank you for all the ways you function right now because the more you are aware of your body, the more you will avoid mistreating it.
“I need to talk to her, I love her and miss her, please give this message to her”. This is what my Maternal Influence – as I call her – texts my husband. Continue reading “Write her a letter, he said.”
If just for today…
If just for today we appreciate our commitment to being alive. Continue reading “If Just For Today”
Sometimes your gifts and talents are barely visible, just under the surface. Often concealed by pretty weighty assaults you’ve collected on your path. Attacks on your self-worth. Attacks on your personal power. Attacks on your right to simply live and BE. Absorbing comments from others… “It’ll never work”, “You can’t make a living doing THAT”, “Don’t brag, no-one likes a show off”, “Better stick to your day job”, “What do you think you’re special or something?”
Then there’s the INNER chatter, the burlap you cover yourself with… I’m not really good at this, What I can do is not so special, People will laugh at me, What if it doesn’t work out? I’ll look foolish, bla, bla, bla.
Awareness is a tool, like a backhoe. Working, cultivating, excavating your inner land, your toughest rocks, your fibrous burlap. It’s 2019! Draft a plan, devise a blueprint, do it anyway. Move that shit OUT. Survey YOUR land, notice the rocks and ground covers in your life, how you dumb down who you are, what you are capable of….
Who would YOU be free to BE without the thoughts and ideas you have adopted to keep yourself small and safe? Fill the backhoe up with divine fuel, it’s time to shine, no apologies. Take a chance and show the world the buried treasure of YOU.
Welcome!!! Well, actually, just practicing cause I am 3 away from that honor. But I can feel it in my bones, IT’S HAPPENING. Did I tell you that I honor my milestone followers with a special gift? Beyond excited for this opportunity… my 100th follower declined receiving anything from me so instead, I celebrated my son’s girlfriend’s influence on my getting started on this adventure. She helped me to create a forum for my voice, stronger than ever as I crawl, walk, jog and finally sprint back from an insane upbringing.
I was happy to have one reader stop by – what a crazy good validation of my truth … perfect strangers responding with “yup” and “uh-huh” when I threw it all out there, sobbing privately between the lines. Somebody understood God damn it, lots of somebody’s cheering for me and some offering a glimpse into their long held hell with spontaneous comments.
A true treasure I’ve unearthed in this blogging business. Every time I am struck with an idea, a memory, a bitch😂 or celebration, I am free to let the words flow like somebody left the gate open. Without hesitation, censoring, dumbing it down or guilt – I just say it anyway. How beautifully organic. I am beyond blessed to be seen and heard in my truth. How blessed am I to have an audience to connect with… no doubt, this is sacred work.
Naming my Gratitude WordPress! 😊
It’s Friiiiiiday, it’s FRIday, it’s Fridaaaaayyyyy! It’s finally here, the day we’ve been waiting for. Arriving in secret, as most of us are on our third dream. Slipping in, around, under the cracks. Continue reading “Holy Hell, Happy Friday”
When I saw my lovely human therapist, for a while there was a common theme – nobody understands me with regards to healing, with doing what’s best for me, with accepting me as I am, with how I’m no longer tolerating certain ppl or situations in my life, with how I’m not happy all the time 😑, I couldn’t get anyone to react in a “normal” way (listening, reacting, ask a question, don’t change the subject, or otherwise tell me how I should be different). So many tears for so many years. So much suffering over shit I have NO control over. Does make you feel bat-shit crazy after a while.
The voices in my head trying to get my attention, trying to “help” me 🙄. Those voices are trying to keep me small, trying to get me to close my mouth, stay isolated, doubt my intuition. Victimizers (those little bastard voices from within) were alive n well. Tearing a hole in my heart every time I made a move to -go for my life- and break an old f’d pattern of behavior. Telling me “why are you making such a fuss?”, “just shut up, nobody cares about your opinions”, “you look crazy, and desperate, trying to get people to agree with you”, “all your family members seem to have let go of the past and you’re a loser cause you can’t”, “ you’re the problem”. Wow, hmmmm all those words have a striking alikeness to the bullshit I was sold 47-25 years ago. 😳
Instead of giving in to the insanity I was destined to be—- My therapist, the saint, the brilliant woman that she is…taught me to use a YARDSTICK.
A YARDSTICK you say? WTF. Now, it’s not what you think. I ain’t gunna go beating anyone with a yardstick – although that’s a delicious fantasy – there’s a more effective, life-long use of it.
Ahhhhhhh, the yardstick of compassion. “If I had a yardstick here right now, where, on this yardstick would your sister be, in terms of compassion?” So I replied, maybe 2 inches… and I sat back and thought for a minute. So, I began, I am asking my sister to meet me in my fear, my aliveness, my sadness, etc.. when she is FAR FROM BEING EQUIPPED to do so.
“That’s right.” my therapist added with a smile. “You cannot give what you do not have.” I repeated this, YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE. YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE.
Oh, you can fake it, yes, you can fake compassion, but energetically, it’s going to fall flat and further frustrate the recipient. I often can sense this “fake compassion” in people, and pray for them. The more layers we heal in ourselves, the more we are able to sniff out the fakers, the do-gooders, the saccharin sweet positivity oozers who are really pretty empty and unaware 😔. I think the song the big empty – by STP is coming to mind. I’ve healed to the point that I can feel this disingenuous energy. This slippery “as if” cover up that’s rarely purposeful but also rarely helpful when you’re looking for REAL.
So get yer yardsticks out folks, it’ll save you a truckload of hurt. Ask yourself, self…. where is he/she on the yardstick of compassion? If the answer is low – well then tailor your communication with that person, as such. Those I deem low on the yardstick – only receive brief, shallow comments from me, with lightness and frivolity sprinkled about…LMAO, just the way they want life to appear. Hell, I deserve some fun too 🙂
If they are pretty high on the yardstick, the expectation/odds of having a true connection and being heard, are pretty high and I share freely with them. My entire family of origin is barely represented on the yardstick. So rather than chase, and hope, and dream, and pray that they “get me” I have chosen to have little to no contact.
THEIR yardsticks….. make better tomato stakes in my garden. 😂
The search continued. It had to. They can’t all be so unaware, so aloof, re-victimizing…could they? They say they have experience with childhood trauma…. Continue reading “Your Crazy’s Showing part 2”
ALL Psychologists are NOT equipped to handle clients with childhood trauma. Period. It takes a very, very wise and awakened individual with Continue reading “Your Crazy’s Showing”