Anorexia · Change · Eating · exploration · Food · healing · healthy · Human Spirit · persevere · Starving · survival · trauma

Canned Peaches & Custard

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    Survivor’s Crown

I knew something was terribly wrong. The desire in me, to bust out to the world with what I knew, was so very strong. I had kept the secret for a long time. Knowing something bad happened, something unspeakable, I could hardly keep from bursting at the seams. Continue reading “Canned Peaches & Custard”

childhood · Human Spirit · survival · Uncategorized

Broken

Ahh, the intricacies of a dysfunctional family unit. So, it was essential for my family to be seen as elite and perfect. How I longed to bring that down, to expose my family. Maybe I could get pregnant, lol that would surely make her look like an ass, a total failure as a parent – in her “church” circles. Lmao. This is what a teenager fantasizes about when all she desires is revenge. How can I shatter this perfect image? haha, how can I HELP with this?  Well, as time marched on I began to focus my efforts on myself. How the hell can I get out of this house – oh! college, perfect. I could probably go for free as my father had died and my mother worked only part-time and with 8 kids (5 still dependent) it would be a no-brainer. WRONG. My mother never got involved in the process – blew off filling out the appropriate financial forms and I ended up having to pay for my own college. I Continue reading “Broken”

abuse · childhood · exploration · Human Spirit · survival · trauma

uh-MAZE

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My life always felt like an evil trick. Because of my circumstances I was driven to be fiercely independent, way too early. I didn’t want anyone’s help. To accept help was code for – I have to surrender a piece of myself. Help was dangerous, risky. I had already lost so much. No way was I giving up more of myself. NO WAY. As a teeny child I learned that humanity was not trustworthy. There was always a hidden agenda, motive, dark intent under all that appeared to be, oh yes, loving and kind, enter mind-fuck. That even the ones closest to you disregard your NO, your boundaries, your protest, your sadness, your existence…bla, bla, and bla.  Now I realize that I didn’t deserve this horror that went on and on and on with a life death of its own. No child is equipped with the capacity to hold all of this evil and process what is going on. No child. Continue reading “uh-MAZE”