Oh. The rain falling. Reminds me of all the parts of myself that are falling away. Continue reading “Cleansing Rain”
i find it to be quite interesting that my throat – the place where Wisdom emanates from my being – is under attack. My personal truth, these days, freely flows out of me without much rehearsal and angst. I used to have to fight to be heard, taken seriously, seen. As a wee little person, I was afraid to speak up or out against anything or anyone, no matter how obvious and insidious the injustice. For fear of being hurt, disowned, different, seen, ignored, shamed, humiliated – fuck, that’s a lot of blockage. It was much easier and safer to remain unseen, unheard, un-human. All tucked away in my larynx. The organ of self expression. The holder of secrets. Of stuffed emotions.
The more baggage/trauma that crams up sideways in our throats, clogs our ability to speak our truth without the fear of being annihilated… this blockage of energy, over time, creates disease. The thyroid slowly malfunctions – giving you, finally, what you want – shutting down the forces that keep you functioning, the proof of our aliveness, our voice. This human communication frequency- stifled. We comply to the old parameters of “allowed” existence until, one fine day, we find our voice and slowly, standing up to the shadows of the past- step into our ROAR.
Yesterday I really used my voice. By “voice” I mean put myself out there for others to see me speaking my truth. I was asked by one of my bosses to lead a group of teens and then a large group of adults, in a guided meditation. Daunting task for sure. I told him, “that hat scares the shit out of me! Let’s do it” LOL. In the next couple of days I actively resisted the urge to REHEARSE endlessly and woke on a few occasions at 4:30 am to record the words that were being channeled (to me) by one of my Spirit Guides.
I felt strong, healthy, connected and NORMAL – doing what I love. No script, just freely flowing words from my higher self and spirit help. And I did this for an audience of 30 teens and then, later that day, 60 adults. It felt amazing. I received some really great feedback. Words cannot accurately capture what I was feeling. Maybe the thawing of what was. The shattering of the old silence replaced by new possibility. I had done this many, many times before but rarely with groups this large AND never with people who didn’t sign up for it.
This morning I woke with the rawest sore throat I’ve had since being a teenager. I expected to see blood when I opened up and looked in the mirror. Nope. As a kid my throat was frequently attacked, what a shock 🙄. For me, today, this is a sign that I’m doing good work. Throat Chakra work that does not yet have a permanent residence in my physical body. My throat may protest for a while by getting sore, voice disappearing, swollen glands, dryness, etc. whatever it can throw at me so it can continue playing small. This is what’s been comfortable.
The “No pain, No gain” and heart might just apply here. Old patterns are disrupted, light shining into the dark places. Old dysfunction will be cleared. Throat issues are a reminder of what was, while creating what will NOW be.
OH on a Sunday morning. Warmed by the Spring sun, greeted by a worn out Winter smile. I aspire to relax into each hour. Making the most of the present moment. Recalling how I’ve crawled up the backside of a landfill to create space. Enough space in my life to let the warm sun IN to thaw my soul. Sunday restores the depleted/empty caverns carved by a less than satisfying week. A less than satisfying life. Our positive reserves may have run dry, our good intentions steam rolled.
Sunday’s are meant for replenishment, for celebration. Pregnant with possibilities, resetting intentions. We remember that everything works out, falls into place, everything. Clearing, cleansing minds for the coming week. Beginning anew. The privilege of a clean slate, a refresh. In deepest gratitude, Sunday.
I miss looking under rocks for cool bugs to put in our bug-house. I miss packing a thermos of hot chocolate, 3 sandwiches and grabbing a loaf of stale bread to spend quality time with the beach seagulls. Continue reading “For The Love of Gratitude 12/1/2018”
Oh, the rain falling. Reminds me of all the parts of myself that are falling away. Parts that I won’t miss. Continue reading “Cleansing and Clearing”
The power of your voice is amazing. Expressing what’s true for you, personally. It’s where freedom lives Continue reading “Anyway”
A rocky, traumatic past can result in a relentless painful grip on our lives. Perhaps chronic physical illness, mental health diagnoses, self harm/injury, under/over eating, financial destruction, addiction, self sabotage, etc. is the way life is packaged for us. Perhaps there’s a way out and none of these ankle bracelets have to be yours. Perhaps
As a young-in I was very thin. Prob use a lot of calories when in constant motion body, mind and soul. My feeling about my body – indifferent. I don’t recall ever feeling into my body and being at home in it. I’d rather hang out in my head where it was safe. My head never betrayed me, EVER
My body. Another story. It was an object of desire. Because I couldn’t tell anyone the truth about how I was being taken advantage of (and no one listened when I tried). I wished I didn’t have a body. This was subtle, unconscious. I’d withhold going to the bathroom, I’d go a long time with out eating. I experimented with tying things around my neck – if I killed this stupid body the abuse would stop.
Then there were these mysterious rashes. A betrayal from the inside, meant for me to lose my mind with itching and parental refusal to seek medical assistance. My body reacting to any insect bite with swelling, rendering me unrecognizable and a ridiculous spectacle as I was ALWAYS sent to school 🙄. My Mother (loose term) finally taking me to the emergency room days after being stung by a bee…my condition declining. The Dr.’s treating her like a complete dick – which I secretly loved…which she obviously was 😂. She was extremely embarrassed and angry with ME for putting HER in that position. WTF? Not really a good idea to call a narcissist out on their fucked up lack of concern.
It seemed like my inward hate my body had for me was matched by my outward hate I had for my body. This disrespect/disregard continued on into my teen, young adult, and mid-30’s. I started, with a passionate vengeance, on my healing journey in my early 30’s. I was slowly learning to be a little kinder and forgiving to my body. But still engaged in heavy, joint damaging weight lifting, kick boxing (broke my own foot), excessive sun baithing, trying any diet that seemed to work for anyone else – even that SHITTY, organ damaging- maple syrup, cayenne, lemon diet. Joke
Seriously though, I was not REALLY overweight. I had 10-15 pounds that have always made me appear unhealthy, I thought. It felt like I looked like I didn’t give a shit about myself. That the more I shared my nutritional knowledge, the more of a sham I was. I worked out, hard. I ate mostly raw, minimally processed food, a better intake than most around me.
Enter self loathing. Knock, knock, who’s there? Shit, don’t answer, it’s self loathing….Again. Shut the door and RUN. Actually, never left me but now, after all I’ve done to please you…supplements, the best medical care $ can buy, organic food, the works …for years!!!! And still a chunky monkey????? Beyond irritated. Fucking pissed, jealous of anyone who can lose weight, anyone who pulls off a thin body and doesn’t have to give up all their happiness for it 😡.
My BODY was fucking with me. It would not let go. The only method that I KNEW worked was starvation. My body was just making an asshole out of me – undermining all my best, of the best, of the best efforts. I would go to 90 min Bikram Yoga sessions, 3 times a week (110 degrees, 30% humidity) I was very mean to a body that only craved softness and compassion. I deprived myself of so many things – I was gunna show my body what was up. Slowly, despite all my (what I thought was) “good treatment” my weight crept up 😩
Finally! In the past 2 years I have made some remarkable strides in the self-love department. I respond to my bodies needs (food, thirst, bathroom, pain, fatigue, off-days, overstimulation, over my ideal weight, occasional decreased strength) with immediate attention and loving kindness. I have given up trying to muscle my way into being supremely FIT, my personal best, the smartest, the strongest, etc. I’m doing the best that I can and I just let the rest go.
This exact notion, has set me free. In July I did a cleanse. A DR. led, deep, detoxifying clean out. It cost 150$. I had settled in with the notion of being the size that I am for ever. Simply just made peace with my size 10-12, oh well, at least I’m healthy on the inside. I just wanted to be healthy no matter what the scale says. I began the 7 day cleanse which had a shake for breakfast, lunch protein with veggies/fruit and dinner same and also liver detox drops and colon cleanse pills. Detox over n out. I finished the week. I had been on at least 6 different cleanses over the past 8 years… it ended yet I continued eating like this for 2 more weeks as I felt amazing. My body felt great and the bloating in my stomach just vanished. No cheating (sensitive to gluten, eggs, dairy, corn 🙄, bananas and beef and prob grains too 😔) which, after a rough and rocky 15 years of battling back against those MAJOR items, I can finally say I’ve put on my big girl panties and I’m over them.
Anyone know how HARD it is to have such allergies that ARE NOT life threatening, just life ruining? Fucked out of all life’s delishous pleasures, every 4 hours of your waking life??? Having to continue to cook for your family – cook “normal” food that you can only dream of eating? And then making completely different food for yourself? AYFKM? Torture. But miraculously, here I sit, already 8 lbs down and I MEAN by divine intervention …I do not crave anything that I used to. This cleanse RE-SET my gut to completely normal functioning and metabolism. 😳😳. I have been losing 1-2 lbs per week. Without more than some walking for exercise 5 days a week. I am completely ecstatic. This is not a diet- it is my lifestyle, one with no end. I am incredibly blessed to have cracked the code of my wonderfully complex, sensitive, lovely, biologically functioning body.
Really!!!! Major road block to self Love obliterated. Because I am now able to put myself and my GLORIOUS body first – I completely lose ANY magnetic, intoxicating draw to harmful or too much food/drink. I am at the point where I love my self so deeply and reverently – I feel like I won the body lottery. I feel incredibly sexy and being in my body feels like a sensual adventure.
No more feeling like a sham, closet eater, bullshitter (all talk) , frustrated sabotage-er, over-eater to make my body PAY for not doing what I want!!!! I would always say out loud, “why am I not 110 pounds?”. No medical professional, therapist, weight loss specialist, gym coach could ever meet with success with regards to my weight loss. It’s been an incredibly, incredibly frustrating journey but I’ve made it to the other, smaller side.
Now I eat more often, when I’m hungry, splitting a would-be meal between 2 meals, stopping when I’m satisfied, not full. Nothing I’m allergic/sensitive to, period. I’m working WITH my body, taking its signals for thirst. Not enough, too much – seriously.
I do occasionally feel the way I want to “kill” some fear or anxiety that comes up – WITH FOOD. I breathe through those feelings instead of throw food at them. It requires much awareness and presence but I’ve had a lot, a lot of practice processing through emotions and making friends with my body.
We’re in this together – we might as well enjoy each other’s company 👍.