Born into a family of dysfunction, I navigated my world the best I could, hoping to be loved, cherished, valued, held and heard. Instead I was met with disregard for my life, repeated, long-term invasion of my body, my innocence, violence disguised as love, safety/security masquerading as control. All at the hands of my parents and male siblings. I was doomed. A shell of a human. Existing in the dizzying cycle of being tossed around in the surf of life – only occasionally able to take a full breath, surface. Pieces of my personality chipped off, the tide taking them far off, away. Never feeling the ground beneath my feet. Becoming dead inside, broken. Accepting the abnormal as normal. As violence, invasion came over me again and again I became familiar with rage. The rage that was growing inside of me. Rage that would never be recognized. Undercover. A secret rage, thoughts of revenge that would bring a sweet, savory smile to my perfect little-girl face. Continue reading “Just A Shell”
Month: January 2018
uh-MAZE
My life always felt like an evil trick. Because of my circumstances I was driven to be fiercely independent, way too early. I didn’t want anyone’s help. To accept help was code for – I have to surrender a piece of myself. Help was dangerous, risky. I had already lost so much. No way was I giving up more of myself. NO WAY. As a teeny child I learned that humanity was not trustworthy. There was always a hidden agenda, motive, dark intent under all that appeared to be, oh yes, loving and kind, enter mind-fuck. That even the ones closest to you disregard your NO, your boundaries, your protest, your sadness, your existence…bla, bla, and bla. Now I realize that I didn’t deserve this horror that went on and on and on with a life death of its own. No child is equipped with the capacity to hold all of this evil and process what is going on. No child. Continue reading “uh-MAZE”
A Fish Named Karen 