Category: challenge

appreciation · Celebrate · challenge · compassion · Deserving · gratitude · heart · human condition · Human Spirit · intention · love · presence · self love · self talk · thank-you · Thoughts · Treasure · warrior · women · worthy

What Would You Say?

A Fish Named KarenLeave a comment

Who are you really? What makes you tick? Not what do you do for a living. Not who are you in relationship to others…(mother, son, sister, brother, wife, grandpa, etc.). I was asked to describe who I am. After much thought about why I think I’m in existence, I came up with this description.

I am love. I am light. I am truth, real and raw. Both colorful and dark. I am synchronous with growth, death, rebirth following the cycles of nature. I am my own best friend, confidante and lover. I am sensual, funny and deep. I am a beautiful mix of human and spirit. Light and heavy. An unchanged core of varying human experience, I am a beautiful mess.

How would you answer? What would you say?

awareness · challenge · resilient

Your Crazy’s Showing (part 2)

A Fish Named Karen4 Comments

The search continued. It had to. Can’t ALL be so unaware, so aloof, disinterested, re-victimizing…could they? Even if you suck at what you do you STILL have experience. They said they had experience with childhood trauma. Hmmm. With limited awareness and clarity with your own process, how can we expect you to properly assist another person on their healing path? Having been exposed to these well meaners compounded my lack of faith in humanatee. A big fat sea-cow in an ocean of disdain. 

Confirming my, “I am irreparable” notion, all due to people not doing their “work”. My expression of graphic truth touching their darkness resulting in their shut down, perilalysis, or disASSociation. Say, for instance you’re in a restaurant. The person next to you clutches their chest in pain, maybe a heart attack. You want to help but as you rise from your chair YOUR chest also begins to hurt, you go into a full-blown panic attack, rendering you useless to the other person. -A simplistic depiction of countertransference. Trauma triggering trauma. Emotional entanglement/meshing/merging/fusing with the client, which negatively impacts a therapist’s ability to lead. 

Enter Paul, my next psychoterrorist. A charming Victorian third floor office. Beautifully decorated. He came highly recommended with much experience in the area of abuse and women’s issues. Finally! This would be IT.  Fingers and toes crossed. Paul, a bald, middle-aged and deeply baritone voiced gentleman, welcomed me, with open harms, to his practice. We began. Small talk. About where I’d been. And his experience with clients of my gripe. Lol. Nice enough.

Writing feverishly…enter the million dollar question.What brings you here… I got into it, hard. Haven’t I wasted enough time with the other do-gooders? He began smiling, like I was telling him a joke and he was anticipating the punchline. He added some “yes, go on” and “oh, really?” scripts every client expected from a paid listener. “Tell me more” and “Tell me again” with what sma-hack-ed of enjoyment and entertainment on his creased face. Like I had just delivered some juicy gossip. “That is fascinating” and “Are you sure this happened”? Actually escaped from his jagged smile. Any minute now, I expectorated him to pop up and put a bag of popcorn in the microwave. His affect clearly needed a tune up. 

Shifting in his comfy seat, I got a peak of his legal pad – he had drawn a CAT!! Silly me, I thought I was saying something worthy of recording. Thought he might be taking notes. I felt completely deflated, invisible and devalued. If THAT wasn’t rea-dick-a-less enough …nearing the end of the session, I offered some disgustingly graphic trauma piece as a last bitch effort to get some authentic reaction. (Which I am incredibly good at – thanks Mom). For what seemed like a minute, his mouth dropped down and gaped open, eyes wide. His body, except for his neck, froze. He slowly turned his mannequin head to the right and stared out the window for a very uncomfortable miNUT. So, remember the THIRD FLOOR thing? Nothing out there except sky, lots of sky guy. I actually got up and looked too, his stare was that intense. Dude, there’s nothing out the window, nothing. He sat, lifeless, no blinking, no swallowing. Nothing. And just like that, he returned from his long strange flip. T-why-light groan. Holy weirdness. Another disaster. 

So this tiny little blurb about a Sexual Abuse Support Group caught my I. Beyond excited. All women in the group. Perfect. Group of 5. Harold introduced me to the group and all of the women shared a blurb. Very lovely women. I was the youngest member. All very charmed by Harold, giggling when he spoke. A dandy guy. Harold offered his  background. He expressed his special brand of wisdumb, “After all, men are idiots. We should cut off all their penises and ship them to a deserted island”. God’s honest truth! His exact words. Later that night, Harold offered more creep… “Yeah, you know, I touched my sister and it wasn’t a big deal, so there’s nothing wrong with that” AYFKM? He looked around nervously to see how he was being received. Eyes bouncing from one participant to the hexed. Harold, poised on the edge of nervous laughter and arrested exhale. He excused himself, apparent worry broke out amongst the group mates. Come to think of it, Harold excused himself at least 5 times during the 2 hour group – just adding to an already bizarre situation. 

In his absence, I questioned the other women, asking how long they’d been a member. The responses were between 2 years and 7 years. What?  After that night, I never returned. But Harold wasn’t done tryin to work me into his gig, his magic act. He wouldn’t let go. He sent me a letter, “You need this group, this will help you. You really need to return for support”. THIS is straight up cray-cray. Of course, no response from me. Another month went by and he sent me another postcard, reminding me of the group ”you should be here” Now I was pissed. I wrote him back. “How dare you try and take advantage of the most tender, most vulnerable population by insinuating that I could not make it without you” “You call yourself a therapist? You are basically pushing your agenda onto me and scolding me for not complying” “That’s abusive” “I put a boundary and you are not honoring that”. I should have reported him but I would have been cast as just another crazy patient. 

The final crazy encounter, with a physician, occurred when I was seen for a panic attack visit in 2000. I was new to the panic world and, just like everyone else, was convinced that it was something else. Anxiety couldn’t possibly make me feel like I was gunna die…. So this well-meaning, lovely Indian Physician listened to me as I talked about my long history of anxiety stemming from a dark childhood. When I told her about my abusers, her “helpful advice” was the following. “Why didn’t you punch them? or tell them that you didn’t want that to happen to you? You have to tell them” 

Ok Dr., like it’s as easy as telling them to hold the onions on your burger at McDonald’s. Excuse me, yeah, no onions please, ok, thank-you. I so desperately wanted to live in her world where all you have to do is tell someone to stop and they do. Wow, whammo, why didn’t I think of that. Holy mind fuck. Blame the abused. Thanks a bunch. LOL

Kinda hard when your abuse began when you were pre-verbal. Maybe you were older and when you said no, it was the same as yes. I don’t really think a 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, 10-year-old girl is any strength match to male teens and adults, hmmm, you? What a bizarre suggestion (punch them). Most likely our first abusers are family members or friends of the family or someone entrusted with our care. We rely on them for safety, a roof, food in our bellies and love. When you are reared to believe your privates/body belongs to others – where does the protest fit in there? The trickery, convincing and games fuck a child’s mind. 

Is it the responsibility of a child to keep her/him self safe? That’s an awful lot of burden to shoulder. A tiny little girl. A Dr. offering “help” sprinkled with the nasty energy of blame– I  should have done something, I should have stopped it, I should have protected myself and ultimately, I could have done something but I didn’t ………………. Today I would tell her that she’s got a lot of clean up to do on herself. Her nasty is showing. And that my little girl knows I’ll protect her. 

Let’s do our inner work DO THE INNER WORK. So we all can be there for each other. Without our fear or anger or frustration or judgement coming at the person and overshadowing our HELP we intend to give. So we may hold each other/clients/patients in the way they truly deserve – in love, compassion and understanding. If nothing else, at the very least, validate how hard it must have been for that person to grow up in that atmosphere. So very powerful. Validate, listen. 

Maybe some of this…”Wow, I’m so sorry. That must have been really hard for you. You must be so sad. What can I do to help you? You are so strong. You are doing amazing seeing all you’ve been through. Do you have someone to talk to/confide in? Would you like me to refer you to someone who knows more about this? You must have been so scared. Do you feel safe now?”

Reaction From The Dark Side
challenge · Hate · human condition · inner work · Joy · Play · self love · shadow · triggers · Uncategorized

Reaction From The Dark Side

A Fish Named Karen6 Comments

Met someone from my past today. Except she clearly, did not recognize me.

I was getting a pedicure 3 chairs down from her. My feet are pretty ticklish so I was squirming and laughing through the brushing, the massage, hot stone massage, etc.. She looked over at me, enjoying myself, and shot me a look of absolute disgust and hate. Leaned over, closer to her friend, “what is so funny, why is she laughing at us?” she announced rather loudly.

WTF? This nasty human obviously had no tolerance for my joy or light. She assumed I was laughing AT HER. How convoluted and strange. At first I was shocked but it still did not stop me from carrying on feeling the joys of foot massage and reacting uninhibited. I’m not about to put a lid on my joy.

Imagine walking around in life thinking everyone is reacting to YOU, that EVERYTHING that happens around you – is about you – and for you? Sounds kinda like a 2,3,4 year old child.  She clearly wanted to extinguish my aliveness with violence. The way she looked at me was full of contempt. Like I “DID something to her” just by being in joy and being in the moment. This threatened something in her. She wanted to attack me. She kept looking over to make sure I was not still smiling at her.

She wanted to shame me and tried to involve the clinician who was doing her pedicure. I heard her say, “That’s disgusting” and motioned for her friend to look over at me. I felt them both look over and laugh to themselves. Evil, I’ll tell ya. I so badly wanted to rise up and give her the feeling of powerlessness that she soooo does not want to feel!!!!  I’d volunteer…I fantasized about getting in her face and pressing it against the glass, or grabbing her by her hair and dragging her head down to the ground ☺️ but instead, I chose to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. She was livid. It tore her UP to see me still enjoying myself. Her efforts to bully me were fruitless. (Stick yer tongue out emoji) LOL and wasn’t she so very comfortable with trying to intimidate and bully people who appear to “defy” her wishes. Yep, that’s me, just running around pissing people off on purpose.

Her life must be a living hell. Imagine the feelings of complete powerlessness, paranoia and terror this “woman” (and I use that term loosely) has buried under all that rage, disgust, contempt and blame.

It is impossible to know what someone else’s perception will be for any given situation. Never assume that someone will react “normally” in a seemingly no brainer situation. Who really cares what someone else’s reaction to my light is. DNnnmnnnon’t let anyone steal your joy, or try and bully you out of it. My foot massage felt great, it tickled me, brought me amazing pleasure, it was a sensual experience. Too bad if someone reacts unfavorably to my feeling of pleasure – not my f’n problem. I’m just having a reaction within myself, it should not cause rage. Her perception skewed, full of blame and projection. Rather bizarre. But we have no control over how other people react to us.

God bless this poor rageful soul. I  refresopted out of refreshing her memory and letting her know we actually were on the volleyball team together in high school… LOL  Hopefully she stays out of prison.

 

 

 

 

 

acceptance · anxiety · anyways · body · challenge · Change · exploration · human condition · Menopause · Play · self love · Thrive · Uncategorized

Menopause, true story

A Fish Named Karen7 Comments

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Here I am getting older and wiser, or maybe just wiser. I’m just an average fish, swimming alongside the rest of you. I had heard some things, mostly scary stuff about growing older as a female. There is a plethora of information out there, charts and graphs, statistics and studies – all doing their best to explain exactly wtf goes on before, during and after the looming “Menny-P”. It all looks horrible, nothing any sane individual would sign up for. On top of that crap, there seems to be a shitload of shame surrounding this most transformative time in mid-life. Yes, shame for having an aging body. WTF. So I am beginning to dip my toe into this middle aged black hole…

My body is freaking out just a little. I usually feel pretty agile and thin – even though I’m 20 pounds more than ideal. But these strange sensations tho. Like being pregnant all over again. Yes, this is it. An abdomen that’s bloated for no reason. Less of a “looking” big than a feeling of literally, a stuffed sausage that has overstepped its casing boundary – huge. Waking up distended, going to bed still large. Expanding inside and no matter what you do, the feeling of hugeness it still there with you to lug around on hot June afternoons.

Clothes don’t feel right. Elastic waistbands are blissful. Nothing without give. Nothing constricting. Great theory….but brand new problem – underwear and waistbands roll down when you bend. Well, isn’t that fucking grand? Nakedness works but is frowned upon by the police. So here I am, just feeling enormous. From sternum to pelvic bone, completely disturbed. Uterus, ovaries, cortisol pumping, dancing, singing their ritualistic, ancient songs. Oooo, here comes my period, nope, just kidding. Here it is, nope, note this time either. Cramping, bloating, feeling – pull the covers up to your nose – gross. Abdomen and pelvis working overtime to figure out the hormonal changes and bring me back to homeostasis.

Well, hurry the fuck up. Then there’s the mental fog – sometimes it feels like just too much to figure shit out. Should I wear clothes today? lol I try and combat that and take on the ever popular addiction -coffee- So now I still realize that I can’t/don’t want to figure shit out and I realize that FASTER. Funny, but not terribly helpful. Caffeine welcomes back an old friend, Anxiety. (I refer to it as a friend just so it knows it’s time with me is limited and it’s not staying, shhhhh, pinky swear?)

So I’m bloated, foggy and anxious. DELICIOUSLY attractive no doubt. Anxious because I know I should be doing much more daily. But what was I supposed to be doing and why was it important and why am I thinking about this anyway? lol Round and round I go, my roly-poly, cobwebby, agitated self. It’s got to get better, right?  Well, yes, I’m glad you asked. Some days, my hormones take a break and I feel like “me” again and I should celebrate the shit out of those days. Party! My stomach flattens, I’m so sharp mentally and calm, peaceful and grounded. Bliss

And then, Menopause speaks again. This time it’s my thighs and my hips. Exhausted is the word. Absolutely not a drop of stamina for climbing stairs, walking uphill, riding a bike. I’d rather lie in traffic. Seriously, I could just drop to the ground and give up. GIVE UP????? I was (still am) in good shape, always was. Kick boxing, boot camp, weights, cardio, you name it, I was down. This FATIGUE bullshit is not me, at all. Suddenly I feel antiquated – Good God, not that.

And Christ, is it hot in here? Haha. Seriously tho – the fluctuations, only at night (thank God) are enough to drive you nuts. Blankets on blankets off. Bundled up, then naked. Don’t touch me, then keep me warm. Bloated, sweaty, agitated – How sexy am I? (don’t answer that) Morning arrives to greet your wet, mental fog… who’s popping up out of bed to start the cheerful day? NOT ME. I roll over onto a dry spot on the sheets, back of my hair wet, clothes damp.  Oh, that reminds me… who doesn’t want to make this all go away? – don’t, whatever you do, think you’re going to add alcohol to a hot mess such as this -in an attempt to improve the situation. I think not –  Exacerbation city!!!  It’ll make Menopause symptoms look like a picnic.

I start thinking – This is some dumb shit, really asinine. Everyday, heading into your late 40’s and early 50’s, if you are not “in touch” with your body and listen to what it needs, then Menopause is going to roll you. Ever meet Flat Stanley? you will. Blindsided by a hormonal steamroller is what you’ll be. I’m late to the party with all of this so I’ve had longer than the average Joe, to get my mental shit together so I wouldn’t enter into this milestone already a hot mess. I wonder how many women start with these symptoms and run to the Dr. thinking they’ve got early dementia, chronic fatigue, fibromialgia, heart problems, thyroid issues… seriously!

You may want to punish your body for not functioning at 100%, I get it. Common I suppose. I seriously started to think something was REALLY wrong with me until I was able to put the pieces together. Menopause is different for every woman but there are some common strands. Instead of getting angry with the temporary upheaval – I will treat my body/mind like I would an old friend and show compassion, patience and understanding. Just because I accept the ridiculousness that is upon me does not mean it is here to stay. 

So today, I rest when I can and care for myself. Enjoying the nurturing only I can give my changing, maturing body. I push a little with exercise, mostly gardening, loading rocks, digging holes, running the wheelbarrow up my steep embankment, easy shit like this, ha. All the while cognizant of what my body will agree to that day. Resting when I need to, connecting with the earth energy and the support of the heavens. Stopping to observe the changes in my body and not fighting them but accepting the wisdom they bring.  

Whatever needs doing these days….I may show up foggy, bloated, sweaty and anxious. And I will not make this a problem. I got this.

anyways · awareness · challenge · Change · childhood · Christmas · gratitude · healing · healthy · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · intention · Joy · light in the darkness · old patterns · persevere · Pharmaceuticals · Reframe · Soul Mate · Spirit Guides · Survive · Thrive · trauma · triggers

This School tho

A Fish Named Karen7 Comments

So I’m visiting this mental health facility today, testing a student. Steven walks me to the back of this beautiful place. Hallways look a little like a maze, some high ceilings, most rooms smacking of afterthought and haphazard building design. Continue reading “This School tho” →

anyways · awareness · challenge · childhood · connection · gratitude · healing · healthy · heart · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · presence · self love · Soul Mate · Spirit Guides · Thoughts · Thrive · triggers · trust

Only Pretty Allowed Here

A Fish Named Karen3 Comments

img_2222Only write the pretty things. Speak in pretty tones, pretty word choice. Somehow REAL is no longer cool. Intolerable. Honesty must be extinguished, slaughtered alongside her sister, authenticity. Continue reading “Only Pretty Allowed Here” →

challenge · childhood · Comfort · connection · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · intention · Joy · light in the darkness · persevere · presence · See · survival · Thrive · triggers · trust

Right Church Wrong Pew

A Fish Named Karen10 Comments

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Being with teens sometimes hurts my soul. Today I am upset with my gag order circumstances. Kinda goes against the grain of my -say it- fabric. I suck at keeping my mouth shut Continue reading “Right Church Wrong Pew” →

acceptance · anxiety · anyways · awareness · body · challenge · Change · childhood · Comfort · connection · healing · healthy · human condition · Human Spirit · Joy · light in the darkness · listen · Manifest · Moving On · old patterns · persevere · Satisfied · See · self love · self talk · soul · Spirit Guides · survival · Thrive · trust

When you’ve arrived

A Fish Named Karen1 Comment

How do we know when we’ve arrived?  When we’ve matured? Growned up? 😂 It’s been a long time coming – like 50 years long. I found myself involved in a group conversation yesterday and 4 women were sharing their identity theft experiences. I knew I had the mother of all tales. These women love to talk, spewing their words into the air like throwing confetti hoping to hit a target. Some peices landing where intended. Others scattering about, disappearing into the room like snowflakes on warm pavement. Talking, sharing, for the sake of talking, sharing.

I, feeling the internal bulldozer push to share, to say something to top their stories- completely self servingly and ego based – said nothing. WHATT? Me? Story-teller ME? Holding back? Didn’t give into the forces of EGO and cram my experience into these listening beings? Well no, no I didnt. But, but I’m so fucking good at it. I am quite the entertainer and very charming 😑…Instead, I made the conscious choice to sit and listen to what was shared. It was clear that I might possibly have been the ONLY one listening that’s for sure. I observed all four of them perched on their haunches, waiting for a pause through which to interject their story. Not comment or question or otherwise entertain another’s offering- just forge ahead with how important THEY were. Blindly, single trackedly, gushing many details. Sprinkling in some theatrics.

What is it about being heard? We’re all so desperate to have a connection. May it be bourne from “I feel invisible” “I don’t matter” “I don’t have a right to be here” “I’m not ok”? Whatever your specific brand of bull-shit self doubt, self loathing – with enough self work, inner healing, counciling, body work, etc.. working through the shadow/darkness (patterns we use to adapt to a less than perfect upbringing) we CAN turn things around. We can be there for OURSELVES and not expect others to fill in our missing pieces. And not expect other to fill in what’s missing in our lives. Not expect others to SAVE US.

I sat, and retreated inward. Deeply. Even though outward appearances appeared as though I was listening intently (survival 101 as a child-I got an A+ 😡).  To a place I found a wise woman. A higher self within me who was able to, in the moment, be IN this conversation but as an observer at the same time. Letting go of the pressure to perform. Pressure to make people like me. Pressure to entertain. One-up. Dazzle. My ego was prob pissed, starved, lonely, deflated…as I sat, a really good listener. I was quiet, seemingly uninvolved, aloof, passive…. all of the things I was forced to be as a child. God forbid I show some light, enthusiasm and BRAINS!!!! Someone would have felt challenged. And that would have been very bad for me as a kid.

So as I sat, some old patterns arose. Of course! The push to gush my story of identity theft all over everyone. But instead, I sat, and let WORTHLESS, FEAR, PRESSURE, ANXIETY wash over me. Feeling accomplished. Able to DISCERN. Keep my mouth shut and make a conscious decision to talk or not.

I think the most ironic nugget is that didn’t we, as trauma/abuse survivors, experience identity theft as children? Very early in life someone(s) ran off with who we came here to be. Outright stole our identity and we had to pick another one. Put a different face on. And here we are scratching through the forest floor, looking for remnants of who we are. Retrieving parts lost, uncovering the light with the dark. Finding really cool things about ourselves. Aligning with others who really SEE us, the real us. Life-Lock identity protection-like.

Everyday there are lessons to be learned. Interesting ways the Universe configures to allow us the opportunity to heal (or not). I always live by these simple words… Life is happening FOR us, not TO us. I believe Tony Robbins is quoted saying that 💜Ahhhh. Discernment. Welcome my newest friend.

 

abuse · affirmation · Angels · anyways · awareness · Celebrate · challenge · Change · childhood · Comfort · connection · exploration · Hate · healing · healthy · heart · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · need · persevere · presence · Sadness · Satisfied · self love · self talk · soul · Spirit Guides · survival · Thrive · trauma · Treasure · validation

Get What You Need. Anyway

A Fish Named KarenLeave a comment

We’ll do anything for a good Mom. When there was so much wrong in our childhoods, we need, now, to reparent ourselves and get what we’ve missed.
Bringing loving kindness to ourselves. Validation. Safety. Feeling comfortable really , deeply being seen. Celebrating our Aliveness. Feeling worthy.
Gift yourself these. Get whatcha need. Fill those holes. Anyways.

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Picture credit to 9Gag.com

acceptance · anxiety · anyways · challenge · Change · healing · healthy · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · misunderstand · Moving On · persevere · self love · survival · triggers · Universe · validation

Sometimes, life is a trigger

A Fish Named Karen6 Comments

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I’m all for easy healing techniques. When I’m triggered to shit I want a magic wand to clear it all away. I want someone to take it all away from me, to understand what I’m going through, to actually validate that I should be angry, scared, disassociated, disgusted, sad, etc.

So, why make something harder than it has to be? why suffer any longer than you have to?… Well, this is the mindset of the medical community. Even my naturopath, whom I love, has very little wisdom for me when I am over the top triggered. It came out of the blue this week – for 2 days so many circumstances I found myself in and around, smacked of sexual abuse or self harm (cutting, anorexia) with the teens I work with, or Dr. Phil interviewing a cult defector who told of being tortured and raped her entire childhood, or nightmares of my maternal influence… sexually abusing me. And now I find myself at my yearly gyno exam… WTF

Can you say overwhelming anxiety?  Can you say vibrating from within? breathless, BP 120/100, face flushing, hypervigilant… when I’m normally relaxed, centered and grounded throughout most of my day. I provide meditations to my co-workers at work and the teens I work with. This is not me, a bag of nerves. At least this is not me TODAY. Years ago, well, fuck-yeah! I was stuck in this terrorized state of functioning and it felt kinda normal. When you make tremendous strides out of the perpetual triggered state, after years and years of self growth and unearthing who you really are, when you are re-triggered to this extent, only then do you realize how far you’ve come. When the anxiety returns, you’re like, “Hey, here’s that feeling again, gosh, this is horrible. I can’t believe I lived like this everyday.”

Again, I’ve had a hell of a triggered week and my gyno just lit a candle for me and ordered me to sit and relax because I’m not leaving until she’s satisfied with my condition. Because I am in such a vulnerable state I don’t freak out on her. She’s basically bypassed my feelings about what would be best for ME. Now I’m basically trapped, just like my childhood. She really expects my BP to come down now that she’s decided to control the shit out of the circumstances? I think not. Now I begin to feel bad and wrong because I CAN’T make my body act normal. What am I supposed to do? will my CNS to relax and be a good girl? Calm down when my empathic self is reading her panic about my condition and that she doesn’t have a clue about what to do with me? All very unsettling for ME. (in addition to asking me how many years post-menapausal I am WTF???????????????? I still have a regular cycle you F&$%@ (of course I did not say that, I’m not THAT tweaked) but I might or might not have imagined my hands around her throat LOL.

If she listened to me for one minute regarding the state of mind I arrived in (plus, then add in a pelvic exam, OMG) she would not try to override what was happening in my body. HELLO!!!! There is nothing that can be done.  SHE TELLS ME I NEED TO MEDITATE ( I have been meditating for 9 years) SHE SUGGESTS THAT I JUST RELAX AND HAVE LESS STRESS IN MY LIFE (is this woman for real? I have crafted a lovely life for myself), SHE TELLS ME I NEED A THERAPIST (I almost stood up in the stir-ups). clueless. fucking clueless. BTW I have the most amazeballs therapist ever.

If you read nothing else here – read this >

****Despite the inadequacies and incompetence of the medical community….This is not today’s stress people! ***********This is old, very old***********. This is not a mismanagement of my life, my health. This is straight up abuse terror. Memories surfacing in crazy-ass nightmares. There is no way in hell I will feel bad/wrong about a normal process going on inside my being!!!  Trauma, my dear wordpress friends, has no concept of time, trauma decides when trauma will speak again, trauma decides when your body will purge old memories/patterns. And it’s usually at a ridiculously calm, peaceful time in your life. Usually when you are feeling amazingly relaxed, confident, loved, cherished, visible, strong, bla, bla, bla. Seems senseless, right?*****

Trauma waits until it has your complete attention. Not when you are juggling life’s stress but just the opposite. Your spirit or higher-self is good like that. Never giving us more than we can handle. Rut-Ro. I can handle a lot. Which scares me.

I am really careful who I allow to care for me. My physician’s, dentist, gynecologist, eye doctor, etc.. I need to feel very comfortable with whomever is treating my body. I tell ya, it is very hard to come by professionals who understand ptsd and healing from trauma. Especially sexual trauma. Especially. The suggestions they make are downright silly, uneducated and at times, inappropriate.

Get some training on how to meet patients (with abuse history) with compassion, validation and heart. I will say that it is prob not a good idea to rapid fire – suggestions to make it all better – at the patient. Take note: triggered people are not listening to you anyway. Forget your textbook ideas. It will all be received as, “I’m not doing something right” (something that the vast # of traumatized people learned as children). Which just fuels the trigger. My “well-meaning” Dr’s usually suggest shit I have already been doing for 10 years like, meditate, get a therapist, eat well, get exercise and for fuck’s sake, relax LOL. They can’t get past the FACT that they can have very little effect/control over what is happening inside of you/me. And this really flips them out. They are in the helping field, right? they should be able to fix everything and make you feel better, right?  Nope. Impossible. I imagine, a very helpless feeling, absolutely – now you understand how I’m feeling.

Most patients are – and correct me if I’m wrong, just looking for silence and presence. This is all we need. That is all. That’s it. Not suggestions, not pity, not more drugs – so you can sleep at night thinking you solved something for a patient. When you don’t know what to tell a patient how bout this just sit back with your well wishes and instead of hurling a list of “how to relax” at him/her… feel the discomfort you’re trying to run away from. Maybe Helplessness? defeat? fear? sadness?  I know, I know, Doc’s are supposed to know everything. HOw it would have helped if one of them would have been silent or have said “wow, you’re having a hard time” or “it will get better, it always does”.

What I know for sure is that triggers are gunna happen. Your body will freak out from time to time. Trust. Weird rashes, numbness, burning, swelling, pain, shingles, viruses, bladder infections, intestinal issues, headaches, sinus infections, reflux, eye problems, elevated blood pressure, breast issues, etc. as the darkness is released through your organs and tissues. This is not betrayal. Betrayal already happened, many moons ago. This is your body communicating with you about what needs attention. Your body is your friend, partner. It was there for you then and is here for you now. Cherish and love your body, it’s the only one you’ve ever had and ever will have. It’s fighting on your behalf, won’t you do the same?

As I write about my experiences this week, my trials with health care practitioners, my heart aches for those of you who are re-victimized by well-meaning health care practicioners. Unless you have been abused – and so many of us have – AND you are actively working on healing (for the rest of your life) you really have no clue with regards to what this population needs. Please, if you don’t know what to say, that’s a sign that you shouldn’t say anything.

When you really, really, really understand the healing process you know that there is no end to healing, you know that there are so many people who are going to re-open those wounds for you, you know that healing means moving forward while you are looking back, you know that healing is for you and only you, you know that very few (to no) people will deeply understand what you are going through, you know that eventually it will not matter if no-one understands because you do, you know that it’s difficult to find professionals who really understand what you are going through, you know that the highs are going to be just as plentiful as the lows, you know that despite what society says, you cannot and should not try to control your thoughts, you know that the only true way to process trauma is to be with it – not run from it, you know that living in the truth is all that matters to you AND that you know all of what you experience is happening FOR you not TO you.

Peace Out

anyways · awareness · Celebrate · challenge · Comfort · gratitude · human condition · Satisfied

It’s Not What You Think

A Fish Named Karen3 Comments

Lifelong commitment is not what everyone thinks it is. It’s not waking up early every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It’s not cuddling in bed together until both of you peacefully fall asleep, well…sometimes. It’s not a spotless home and a gourmet meal every night. It’s messy, unkept hair and wrinkled pajamas, morning breath and sneaking off to get the first shower.AA37079F-074E-4C04-AE93-5697E6FC81C4
It’s someone who steals all the covers. Snores on the inhale and exhale. It’s the occasional slammed door, and a few harsh words, disagreeing, and the silent treatment until your hearts heal. Then…making up and becoming friends again.
It’s coming home to the same person everyday that you know loves and cares about you, in spite of and because of who you are. It’s laughing about the stupid things we get ourselves into, sometimes lots of stupid things. Knowing that everything eventually works itself out. It’s about dirty laundry, junk mail, shutting off the lights in rooms that are vacant and mud tracked in all Spring -without finger pointing. It’s about helping each other with the hard work of life, even when you’re not particularly good at it. It’s about swallowing the negative comments instead of letting them out of your mouth.
It’s about sitting down to eat, physically exhausted, at 9pm after 12 hours of hard labor in the yard. It’s when you have an emotional breakdown, and he/she wraps their arms around you and tells you everything is going to be just fine and you believe them. It’s when you find comfort in watching the shows we know each other likes. Content to sit and hang out, enjoying sharing the silence together, without having to fill each moment with small talk. It’s about still loving someone even though sometimes they make you absolutely insane.
Living with the person you love is not perfect, it’s hard, amazing, impossible and comforting all at the same time❤

 

abuse · anxiety · anyways · awareness · Celebrate · challenge · childhood · Comfort · connection · fun · gratitude · healing · Holiday · human condition · Human Spirit · intention · Joy · light in the darkness · Manifest · Moving On · need · old patterns · persevere · Play · Satisfied · self love · self talk · survival · Thoughts · Trees · triggers · Universe

How To Survive (The Family) Holidays – 13 Joyful Hacks

A Fish Named Karen8 Comments

 

So, the Holidays, hmmmmm. I’m guessing that some of my readers may be very excited for Holidays. I am also knowing that there’s a whole other section of the general pop who are digging themselves a large hole, preparing to jump in to escape all things “family celebration”. Continue reading “How To Survive (The Family) Holidays – 13 Joyful Hacks” →

abuse · anyways · awareness · Celebrate · challenge · Change · childhood · Comfort · connection · fun · gratitude · healing · healthy · heart · Human Spirit · inner work · Joy · Moving On · persevere · Play · Reframe · Satisfied · self love · soul · Spirit Guides · survival · trauma · Trees · Universe

As A Tree, I Heal

A Fish Named Karen4 Comments

cb0423de-adcc-4758-9c81-0daa5c1dada8.jpegI believe in the magic of trees. I can be found touching, smelling and cozying up to trees. They’re all so welcoming, fragrant, protective and accepting of love from us. My ancient friends on my land, lovingly offer their sap which I respectfully process into delicious syrup. Bark, of the Shag-bark tree also creates a delectable syrup. Elderberry, Linden, Maples, Oaks, Willow… Oh, my momma Willow. How I honor thee. I would say one of the most disappointing events I witnessed this year involved my 100+ yr old Willows. Continue reading “As A Tree, I Heal” →