Celebrate · resilient

Inside Job


The purging hurt so good. The expir-yay-tion of an antiquated pattern, I shed my dumb-suit. My beauty radiating blissfully in all directions North, South, East and Best. Camouflage now turned reflective. Reflecting on how different I am today. It hit me hard. Like my heart was cracking open to love – a long aweighted love for myself. Heavy Go-Found-Me realization. I am here. Voicing this. The badasst thing I’ve ever claimed.

Yes, out loud “I am very intelligent, my brain is astute, clear and perceptive. I have so much to offer. I deeply feel that I’ve always been this way but shrunk into my-cell-f to “fit”. To go unnoticed and be less trouble in my fam-ill-y. Fully realizing how I continued to play small. This really Hertz, renting out my Cadillac potential while I settled for the Hyundai.

Who damm-pens my light, my potenchill? I do! I willingly took the torch and waaa with it. Murdering myself once again. We do it to ourselves. When we’re ready to take responsibility for our own lives, we stop blaming others for screwing them up. An inside job folks. So in-crud-ibly painful, the journey, like peering through a thousand panes of shattered ass. My own. Pain is so often the back asswards crack through which profound personal growth enters us.

Ignore the crack, walk towards the crack and pretend we didn’t see it. Feel the crack with our fingers, wondering all thorts of sings. Flatten our eyeball against the crack in curiosity. Does crack kill? Curiosity killed the cat, the cat’s eyeball and the crack. The blind cat leading the cracked eyeball. Or something like that. All kinds of excuses and distractions conjure up rather than to just aloe pain and truth and light to illuminate our womb-dead parts. You know, those parts that never had the chance to freedom their way from the Geico.

An absolute vodka miracle, with all these choices, that any of us choose to – not only walk through the doorway of pain – but go back uh-gain and again because we know this is the only way to true healing. Despite the pain, despite our suffering, we strive for better lives, a better egg-sistence. The born-again -open up your pocketbooks-, best possible, newest version of ourselves.

Now, a new confine-dents is mine. If ya try an lock my shit up ya might get lumped up. I own that shit. Not borrowed, rented or stolen. Permanent, home, comfort. A new normal. Clearer lens. A calmer presentation of me. No arming or bracing or caring what you think of me.

No apologeez. Your opinion of me filtered through your dysfucktion anyway. Love me. Hate me. None of my business. My emerging self doesn’t give a frog’s fat ass what you think you NO. If my bovine-size self-love makes you uncomfortable that is understandable. My bulls-y-ness has made me squirm for quite some time, too. Looks like I’ve made peace with that. When pain knocks, will you answer? Everytime.

acceptance · anyways · awareness · Celebrate · Change · Comfort · gratitude · healing · healthy · heart · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · Joy · listen · Manifest · Moving On · old patterns · persevere · presence · Reframe · Satisfied · See · self love · self talk · soul · Thrive · trust · Uncategorized · Universe · validation

Retiring My Emotional Armor

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. The purging hurt so good. The death of an antiquated pattern, shedding my dumb-suit. My beauty radiating blissfully from under the decaying camouflage. Reflecting on how different I am today. It hit me hard. Like my heart was cracking open to love – love for myself. Continue reading “Retiring My Emotional Armor”

anyways · awareness · body · Celebrate · Change · childhood · Cleanse · fun · gratitude · healing · healthy · human condition · Human Spirit · Joy · light in the darkness · Moving On · old patterns · persevere · Reframe · self love · Spirit Guides · Uncategorized

Voiceless

i find it to be quite interesting that my throat – the place where Wisdom emanates from my being – is under attack.  My personal truth, these days, freely flows out of me without much rehearsal and angst. I used to have to fight to be heard, taken seriously, seen. As a wee little person, I was afraid to speak up or out against anything or anyone, no matter how obvious and insidious the injustice. For fear of being hurt, disowned, different, seen, ignored, shamed, humiliated – fuck, that’s a lot of blockage. It was much easier and safer to remain unseen, unheard, un-human. All tucked away in my larynx. The organ of self expression. The holder of secrets. Of stuffed emotions.

The more baggage/trauma that crams up sideways in our throats, clogs our ability to speak our truth without the fear of being annihilated… this blockage of energy, over time, creates disease. The thyroid slowly malfunctions – giving you, finally, what you want – shutting down the forces that keep you functioning, the proof of our aliveness, our voice. This human communication frequency- stifled. We comply to the old parameters of “allowed” existence until, one fine day, we find our voice and slowly, standing up to the shadows of the past- step into our ROAR.

Yesterday I really used my voice. By “voice” I mean put myself out there for others to see me speaking my truth. I was asked by one of my bosses to lead a group of teens and then a large group of adults, in a guided meditation. Daunting task for sure. I told him, “that hat scares the shit out of me! Let’s do it” LOL. In the next couple of days I actively resisted the urge to REHEARSE endlessly and woke on a few occasions at 4:30 am to record the words that were being channeled (to me) by one of my Spirit Guides.

I felt strong, healthy, connected and NORMAL – doing what I love. No script, just freely flowing words from my higher self and spirit help. And I did this for an audience of 30 teens and then, later that day, 60 adults. It felt amazing. I received some really great feedback. Words cannot accurately capture what I was feeling. Maybe the thawing of what was. The shattering of the old silence replaced by new possibility. I had done this many, many times before but rarely with groups this large AND never with people who didn’t sign up for it.

This morning I woke with the rawest sore throat I’ve had since being a teenager. I expected to see blood when I opened up and looked in the mirror. Nope. As a kid my throat was frequently attacked, what a shock 🙄. For me, today, this is a sign that I’m doing good work. Throat Chakra work that does not yet have a permanent residence in my physical body. My throat may protest for a while by getting sore, voice disappearing, swollen glands, dryness, etc. whatever it can throw at me so it can continue playing small. This is what’s been comfortable.

The “No pain, No gain” and heart might just apply here. Old patterns are disrupted, light shining into the dark places. Old dysfunction will be cleared. Throat issues are a reminder of what was, while creating what will NOW be.

acceptance · anyways · awareness · Celebrate · childhood · clairvoyance · connection · healing · healthy · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · intention · Joy · Moving On · old patterns · persevere · Reframe · survival · trauma · triggers · trust · Universe · validation

Old Patterns Up For Grabs…

8604F7B6-7FBA-45A8-A2F7-1FA48FF12DEBPrepare for the worst, second guessing what will happen, what others will say/do. When I find myself caught up in the worry about a situation… yes, these old patterns still linger.
Continue reading “Old Patterns Up For Grabs…”

Celebrate · gratitude · Joy · Thrive · Trees

My Lovely Guardsmen

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Standing tall

Strong

Bent and backwards

Crippled and crazy

On call

On duty

Allowing

Accepting

Witness to new births, transformation, death, disease, medicine and miracles

Secrets kept

their skin, bones, beauty, youth, wisdom

Taken, given, surrendered

No grudges

Cycling through growth, dormancy, maturity

Even re-birth

Showing colors and cyclical wisdom

Tree medicine

Bleeding nutrients, the sweetest confection offered

Delighting the palate

Window closing

weather warming

Spring looming, buds popping

We honor your life

Appreciate the liquid, solids and chips

The medicine, sweetness, shade and beauty

In partnership

Thank You 💚

acceptance · anyways · awareness · body · Body image · Celebrate · Change · Comfort · fun · gratitude · healthy · human condition · Play · self love · self talk · Thrive · Treasure · Universe

Privilege Denied To So Many

I am learning to embrace growing older. The grays arriving, the wrinkles. It’s not easy. I keep meeting up with ppl who point this out like it’s their job. Continue reading “Privilege Denied To So Many”

abuse · affirmation · Angels · anyways · awareness · Celebrate · challenge · Change · childhood · Comfort · connection · exploration · Hate · healing · healthy · heart · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · need · persevere · presence · Sadness · Satisfied · self love · self talk · soul · Spirit Guides · survival · Thrive · trauma · Treasure · validation

Get What You Need. Anyway

We’ll do anything for a good Mom. When there was so much wrong in our childhoods, we need, now, to reparent ourselves and get what we’ve missed.
Bringing loving kindness to ourselves. Validation. Safety. Feeling comfortable really , deeply being seen. Celebrating our Aliveness. Feeling worthy.
Gift yourself these. Get whatcha need. Fill those holes. Anyways.

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Picture credit to 9Gag.com

Angels · Celebrate · Comfort · connection · fun · healthy · Joy · need · Play · Satisfied · self love · Soul Mate · Thrive

The Cat’s Pajamas

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When I really sit and observe my cat’s behavior, the likeness to the human condition is uncanny. 2 indoor lovelies roam my hallways. Needing connection, interaction, touch. Space to move around, occasionally some treats. Having a special place to eliminate, exercise independence and privacy. Cherish solitude to recharge their purring batteries. A voice, even if it falls on deaf human ears, we hear it. The ability to have a protest be it obvious or subtle. Nails out, balls out or just a murmur.

Cats never forget when they’ve been wronged. They never forget where good energy, food and preferred textures are located. They know how incredibly soul-healing warm sunshine can be. Acutely aware of the power and benefits of nature as they roll on own anything I’ve brought into the house from the yard. I think we may have the same instinctual/ancestral need to immerse ourselves in nature, cover ourselves with its sensual fragrance, making love to all out-sided-ness. Cat’s are also empathetic, able to detect sadness/depression and act to comfort us when tough times hit. Not making a fuss about our condition, they creep in stealth-like and curl around our worries like a soft, squishy grandma with a glass of warm milk and a blueberry muffin.

They are acutely aware of the need for self-care, above all else. Napping, removing themselves from a noisy environment, staying away from people who are not good for them, using the bathroom when they feel the need, using their voice to get attention – letting others know about their pleasure, objections and inquiries. Owning their favorite “spot” in life and securing a private, secret area to recharge…Caring for themselves, they exude love of self as a normal part of their existence. No permission or apologies needed.