Celebrate · challenge · childhood · connection · exploration · gratitude · healing · healthy · heart · human condition · Human Spirit · intention · light in the darkness · old patterns · persevere · Reframe · Satisfied · self love · soul · Survive

Use A Yardstick

A couple of years ago I was still pretty raw. Trudging through the feeling of insanity -I didn’t feel “connected” with people. Feeling angry with not being able to get ppl in my life to respond, have compassion and identify with the angst I was trying to convey to them. Oh, this is not new, it goes wayyyy back to my littlest expression of myself.  As a toddler, throwing a fit to get someone to notice what was wrong… but no-one was there for me, just empty shells around me, human forms with unavailable hearts. No-one met me in my fury. Instead. spanking, isolation, distraction or denial of my reality “here, it’s not broken” 😳 as the doll’s head was jammed back onto its body- facing the WRONG direction. Or, “go to your room and be quiet and the rash might get better” Oh, fucking brilliance. This was the response of my parents, siblings. There was no room for my angst, fear, real problems, joy or inquisitive nature. No room for ANY of it, any of my emotions – I learned to just absorb what others wanted me to do and display what THEY thought was an appropriate reaction. I grew masterful in sensing what other people wanted and to go with that, leaving my own needs in the next town over. 

As I grew, because I was such a brilliant human in a sea of fucking stupidity, LMAO, I figured out that what I felt, thought and wanted were flawed and it was MUCH safer and sane 😳 to go with what other ppl dictated – as correct for me. These were my NEW needs, my new existence, one that might get a reaction from people I lived with. This brilliance – to just adapt or I might not make it out – was perfect. I’m here, wrong this so  obviously I made it out but only a fraction of my original self was visible. 

No wonder why I had to kick, scream and otherwise rise up in my body and cause a scene JUST to get someone to listen and connect with me in an honest, present way. I didn’t want shit solved or made better. I understood that some things in life were not “fixable” and sometimes things just plain sucked. I GOT THAT PART, TRUST ME. It would have been ok if THAT very truth was ever confirmed. Actually, it would have been beautiful, but nope. 

So today, after years of being a trained dog… conditioned to rise up in my body, energy all in the upper 3rd of my physicality, must get hysterical, emotions swirling, in order to get a need met….I finally, really, can make sense of how this pattern was birthed. 

7 years ago, I met my most favorite therapist ever. She has been an amazing force in my life after a string of substandard LOONEY bins. Honestly, she had helped me deeply transform my life.

When I saw my lovely human therapist, for a while there was a common theme – nobody understands me with regards to healing, with doing what’s best for me,  with accepting me as I am, with how I’m no longer tolerating certain ppl or situations in my life, with how I’m not happy all the time 😑, I couldn’t get anyone to react in a “normal” way (listening, reacting, ask a question, don’t change the subject, or otherwise tell me how I should be different). So many tears for so many years. So much suffering over shit I have NO control over. Does make you feel bat-shit crazy after a while.

The voices in my head trying to get my attention, trying to “help” me 🙄.  Those voices are trying to keep me small, trying to get me to close my mouth, stay isolated, doubt my intuition. Victimizers (those little bastard voices from within) were alive n well. Tearing a hole in my heart every time I made a move to -go for my life- and break an old f’d pattern of behavior.  Telling me “why are you making such a fuss?”, “just shut up, nobody cares about your opinions”, “you look crazy, and desperate, trying to get people to agree with you”, “all your family members seem to have let go of the past and you’re a loser cause you can’t”, “ you’re the problem”.  Wow, hmmmm all those words have a striking alikeness to the bullshit I was sold 47-25 years ago. 😳

Instead of giving in to the insanity I was destined to be—- My therapist, the saint, the brilliant woman that she is…taught me to use a YARDSTICK.

A YARDSTICK you say? WTF. Now, it’s not what you think. I ain’t gunna go beating anyone with a yardstick – although that’s a delicious fantasy – there’s a more effective, life-long use of it.

The pain I was feeling was a result of wanting something different from people who were (and still not) able to meet me where I was (am). So, she spoke to me, “for instance, say you were thinking about telling your sister that you used to be so scared at night thinking that someone was going to come into your room and harm you.”
In order to figure out if telling your Sister would be the best choice -First, you need to think about what you already know about your sister… How likely would it be for you to feel comforted, supported and heard by her?  ENTER YARDSTICK

Ahhhhhhh, the yardstick of compassion. “If I had a yardstick here right now, where, on this yardstick would your sister be, in terms of compassion?” So I replied, maybe 2 inches… and I sat back and thought for a minute.  So, I began, I am asking my sister to meet me in my fear, my aliveness, my sadness, etc.. when she is FAR FROM BEING EQUIPPED to do so.

“That’s right.” my therapist added with a smile. “You cannot give what you do not have.” I repeated this, YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE.  YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE.

Oh, you can fake it, yes, you can fake compassion, but energetically, it’s going to fall flat and further frustrate the recipient. I often can sense this “fake compassion” in people, and pray for them.  The more layers we heal in ourselves, the more we are able to sniff out the fakers, the do-gooders, the saccharin sweet positivity oozers who are really pretty empty and unaware 😔.  I think the song the big empty – by STP is coming to mind. I’ve healed to the point that I can feel this  disingenuous energy. This slippery “as if” cover up that’s rarely purposeful but also rarely helpful when you’re looking for REAL.

So get yer yardsticks out folks, it’ll save you a truckload of hurt. Ask yourself, self…. where is he/she on the yardstick of compassion? If the answer is low – well then tailor your communication with that person, as such. Those I deem low on the yardstick – only receive brief, shallow comments from me, with lightness and frivolity sprinkled about…LMAO, just the way they want life to appear. Hell, I deserve some fun too 🙂

If they are pretty high on the yardstick, the expectation/odds of having a true connection and being heard, are pretty high and I share freely with them.  My entire family of origin is barely represented on the yardstick. So rather than chase, and hope, and dream, and pray that they “get me” I have chosen to have little to no contact.

THEIR yardsticks….. make better tomato stakes in my garden. 😂

 

affirmation · Celebrate · gratitude · heart · human condition · Joy · self love · validation

Friday Affirmation

IMG_4405

Treat yourself as you would a dear, old friend.  This realization came as I was harvesting some green beans from my garden for someone else. I was careful to choose ONLY the best for this person, no spots, not too big, not too small…etc., I surprised myself with the care I took to give only the loveliest I had grown.             I also noticed that when I gift someone something I’ve made or grown – choosing only the best products, the amount, the presentation, be it a bow, ribbon, bag or gift-wrap… hmmmm, am I treating myself with the same loving kindness? – or do I just get what’s left over? I started to think, am I not worthy of being cherished and honored for my existence, my BEING?  Well, the answer is, of course I am worthy of ALL OF IT.

Friday’s affirmation: If just for this moment, if just for today ——–

Treat yourself as you would a dear, old friend.

body · Body image · Celebrate · Change · Cleanse · connection · Diet · Eating · Food · Food sensitivities · gratitude · Gut health · Hate · healing · healthy · human condition · intention · Joy · light in the darkness · persevere · Satisfied · Starving · survival · Weight loss

Finally, A Loser

A rocky, traumatic past can result in a relentless painful grip on our lives. Perhaps chronic physical illness, mental health diagnoses, self harm/injury, under/over eating, financial destruction, addiction, self sabotage, etc. is the way life is packaged for us. Perhaps there’s a way out and none of these ankle bracelets have to be yours. Perhaps

As a young-in I was very thin. Prob use a lot of calories when in constant motion body, mind and soul. My feeling about my body – indifferent. I don’t recall ever feeling into my body and being at home in it. I’d rather hang out in my head where it was safe. My head never betrayed me, EVER

My body. Another story. It was an object of desire. Because I couldn’t tell anyone the truth about how I was being taken advantage of (and no one listened when I tried). I wished I didn’t have a body. This was subtle, unconscious. I’d withhold going to the bathroom, I’d go a long time with out eating. I experimented with tying things around my neck – if I killed this stupid body the abuse would stop.

Then there were these mysterious rashes. A betrayal from the inside, meant for me to lose my mind with itching and parental refusal to seek medical assistance. My body reacting to any insect bite with swelling, rendering me unrecognizable and a ridiculous spectacle as I was ALWAYS sent to school 🙄. My Mother (loose term) finally taking me to the emergency room days after being stung by a bee…my condition declining. The Dr.’s treating her like a complete dick – which I secretly loved…which she obviously was 😂. She was extremely embarrassed and angry with ME for putting HER in that position. WTF? Not really a good idea to call a narcissist out on their fucked up lack of concern.

It seemed like my inward hate my body had for me was matched by my outward hate I had for my body. This disrespect/disregard continued on into my  teen, young adult, and mid-30’s. I started, with a passionate vengeance, on my healing journey in my early 30’s. I was slowly learning to be a little kinder and forgiving to my body. But still engaged in heavy, joint damaging weight lifting, kick boxing (broke my own foot), excessive sun baiting, trying any diet that seemed to work for anyone else – even that SHITTY, organ damaging-  maple syrup, cayenne, lemon diet. Joke

Seriously though, I was not REALLY overweight. I had 10-15 pounds that have always made me appear unhealthy, I thought. It felt like I looked like I didn’t give a shit about myself. That the Moreno shared my nutritional knowledge, the more of a sham I was. I worked out, hard. I ate mostly raw, minimally processed food, a better intake than most around me.

Enter self loathing. Knock, knock, who’s there? Shit, don’t answer, it’s self loathing….Again. Shut the door and RUN. Actually, never left me but now, after all I’ve done to please you, supplements, the best medical care $ can buy, organic food, the works …for years!!!! And still a chinky monkey????? Beyond irritated. Fucking pissed, jealous of anyone who can lose weight, anyone who pulls off a thin body and doesn’t have to give up all their happiness for it 😡.

My BODY was fucking with me. It would not let go. The only method that I KNEW worked was starvation. My body was just making an asshole out of me – undermining all my best, of the best, of the best efforts. I would go to 90 min Bikram Yoga sessions, 3 times a week (110 degrees, 30% humidity) very mean to a body that craves softness and compassion. I deprived myself of so many things – I was gunna show my body what was up. Slowly, despite all my (what I thought was) “good treatment” my weight crept up 😩

Finally! In the past 2 years I have made some remarkable strides in the self-love department. I respond to my bodies needs (food, thirst, bathroom, pain, fatigue, off-days, overstimulation, over my ideal weight, occasional decreased strength) with immediate attention and loving kindness. I have given up trying to muscle my way into being supremely FIT, my personal best, the smartest, the strongest, etc. I’m doing the best that I can and I just let the rest go.

This exact notion, has set me free. In July I did a cleanse. A DR. led, deep, detoxifying clean out. It cost 150$.  I had settled in with the notion of being the size that I am for ever. Simply just made peace with my size 10-12, oh well, at least I’m healthy on the inside.  I just wanted to be healthy no matter what the scale says. I began the 7 day cleanse which had a shake for breakfast, lunch protein with veggies/fruit and dinner same and also liver detox drops and colon cleanse pills. Detox over n out. I finished the week. I had been on at least 6 different cleanses over the past 8 years… it ended yet I continued eating like this for 2 more weeks as I felt amazing. My body felt great and the bloating in my stomach just vanished. No cheating (sensitive to gluten, eggs, dairy, corn 🙄, bananas and beef) which, after a rough and rocky 15 years of battling back against those MAJOR items, I can finally say I’ve put on my big girl panties and I’m over them.

Anyone know how HARD it is to have such allergies that ARE NOT life threatening, just life ruining? Fucked out of all life’s delishous pleasures, every 4 hours of your waking life??? Having to continue to cook for your family – cook “normal” food that you can only dream of eating? And then making completely different food for yourself? AYFKM? Torture.  But miraculously, here I sit, already 8 lbs down and I MEAN by divine intervention …I do not crave anything that I used to. This cleanse RE-SET my gut to completely normal functioning and metabolism. 😳😳. I have been losing 1-2 lbs per week. Without more than some walking exercise 5 days a week. I am completely ecstatic. This is not a diet- it is my lifestyle, one with no end. I am incredibly blessed to have cracked the code of my wonderfully complex, sensitive, lovely biologically functioning body.

313CF52A-6502-45D9-897F-6A8BC337DB88Really!!!!  Major road block to self Love obliterated. Because I am now able to put myself and my GLORIOUS body first – I completely lose ANY magnetic, intoxicating draw to harmful or too much food/drink. I am at the point where I love my self so deeply and reverently – I feel like I won the body lottery. I feel incredibly sexy and being in my body feels like a sensual adventure.

No more feeling like a sham, closet eater, bullshitter (all talk) , frustrated sabotage-er, over-eater to make my body PAY for not doing what I want!!!! I would always say out loud, “why am I not 110 pounds?”. No medical professional, therapist, weight loss specialist, gym coach could ever meet with success with regards to my weight loss. It’s been an incredibly, incredibly frustrating journey but I’ve made it to the other, smaller side.

Now I eat more often, when I’m hungry, splitting a would-be meal between 2 meals, stopping when I’m satisfied, not full. Nothing I’m allergic/sensitive to, period. I’m working WITH my body, taking its signals for thirst. Not enough, too much – seriously. I do occasionally feel the way I want to “kill” some fear or anxiety that comes up – with food. I breathe through those feelings instead of throw food at them. It requires much awareness and presence but I’ve had a lot, a lot of practice processing through emotions and making friends with my body.

We’re in this together – we might as well enjoy each other’s company 👍.