body

The Secrets Our Bodies Keep

Trauma has a way of slipping around, unnoticed in the body. Seems like forever ago it was born. We carry it silently, in a frozen suitcase until it starts to thaw. The hinges rust, material unravelling. Chunks fall out. My chunks come in the form of physical pain.

I begin to feel the ready to release as muscles and joints politely ask for attention. For discovery. For expression of that which can be held no more. Like an over due library book, I must pay the fine. Fine mess this is. The mess of unbecoming me. The mess of discovering who I was all along if not for these frozen parts. This bulky luggage I drag around.

The least I could do is to lend an ear to what my body has to say. It’s not just simply an achy shoulder, knee or tail bone. Absolutely not. When the body hurts for no reason, I mean, for no obvious injury or because of acute illness – well then, there’s always a deeper story.

IF. If we are brave. IF we are curious enough to stand still for the message. Mostly, we just want the pain/weirdness to go away. Sadly enough there’s no shortage of friends/family/practitioners who will suggest a quick remedy. Same folks who have no tolerance for our struggles, can’t sit with us in our suffering and just want it gone for us.

But there are some of us who live just left of center, on the edge of typical and hesitate very little when it comes to the journey of self discovery. The journey into the center of ourselves. The two seatbelt journey into the land of stored trauma. The buried treasure of sorts, the gold realized years later.

Trauma releases, bit by bit only when the conditions are right. Right? Mostly. Our higher self waits patiently until we are settled, until we are in a decent situation before presenting a sneak peek into our darkness. Sucks, right? What’s right about feeling/reliving trauma? What went in must come out. This. This is the work. Walking the walk. Walking the trauma to the outskirts of our body limits.

Which, is not technically true because NOT everyone chooses to excise their shadow. There is a great amount of support out there if one desires NOT to work with/tease out the negative/dark within. The supports may be in the form of alcohol, drugs, shopping, bingeing/purging, cutting, gambling, self harm, risk taking…. bla bla bla. I call these SUPPORTS because these choices actually take us out of our bodies and distract us from the pain that is surfacing.

Now THAT’S a support. So we don’t have to feel. So we don’t have to see. So we don’t have to hear. The emotions, the faces, the words lurking in our body pain. So the trauma waits, and sits and waits some more. While we hurt and go about the business of living. Holding our physical selves in sad or angry or fearful postures because this is all we knew. This is what feels natural. Until it doesn’t.

acceptance · anyways · awareness · body · healing · human condition · Human Spirit · trauma

Today, I Choose To Bloom

“She was raised to be hard on herself.

So she spent her years growing gentle.

Her whole life bloomed. ~Jaiya John

Wow, this quote is just perfect. Today I’m trying to be gentle with myself. My legs hurt, neck burning down the left side. I’m gunna not get pissed that my body doesn’t function perfectly. I’m gunna recognize the monstrosity trauma trying to ooze out today. All at once. I don’t really have time to process through what my Spirit is sending me today. Appointments – dentist, mammogram, hair… I can ground and breathe and center myself whatever I’m doing, where ever I find myself today.

The real work will be loving myself though the purging of stuck trauma energy. Knowing that I can be gentle and patient with myself and seeing my body as an alliance rather than the punisher. The pain just being information which my Higher Self has decided its time to take a look at. I have a choice. I can forge ahead and ignore what’s going on or I can yield and show my body that I am her friend. It takes courage to yield.

I won’t be hard on myself. For I am not a problem- I never was. Bringing gentle in and on and around my sore body will bring me peace and comfort in a world which does not value this. In a society that puts high esteem on doing rather than being. I’ll do it anyway. Today I choose to bloom. This or better.

acceptance · anxiety · anyways · body · challenge · Change · exploration · human condition · Menopause · Play · self love · Thrive · Uncategorized

Menopause, true story

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Here I am getting older and wiser, or maybe just wiser. I’m just an average fish, swimming alongside the rest of you. I had heard some things, mostly scary stuff about growing older as a female. There is a plethora of information out there, charts and graphs, statistics and studies – all doing their best to explain exactly wtf goes on before, during and after the looming “Menny-P”. It all looks horrible, nothing any sane individual would sign up for. On top of that crap, there seems to be a shitload of shame surrounding this most transformative time in mid-life. Yes, shame for having an aging body. WTF. So I am beginning to dip my toe into this middle aged black hole…

My body is freaking out just a little. I usually feel pretty agile and thin – even though I’m 20 pounds more than ideal. But these strange sensations tho. Like being pregnant all over again. Yes, this is it. An abdomen that’s bloated for no reason. Less of a “looking” big than a feeling of literally, a stuffed sausage that has overstepped its casing boundary – huge. Waking up distended, going to bed still large. Expanding inside and no matter what you do, the feeling of hugeness it still there with you to lug around on hot June afternoons.

Clothes don’t feel right. Elastic waistbands are blissful. Nothing without give. Nothing constricting. Great theory….but brand new problem – underwear and waistbands roll down when you bend. Well, isn’t that fucking grand? Nakedness works but is frowned upon by the police. So here I am, just feeling enormous. From sternum to pelvic bone, completely disturbed. Uterus, ovaries, cortisol pumping, dancing, singing their ritualistic, ancient songs. Oooo, here comes my period, nope, just kidding. Here it is, nope, note this time either. Cramping, bloating, feeling – pull the covers up to your nose – gross. Abdomen and pelvis working overtime to figure out the hormonal changes and bring me back to homeostasis.

Well, hurry the fuck up. Then there’s the mental fog – sometimes it feels like just too much to figure shit out. Should I wear clothes today? lol I try and combat that and take on the ever popular addiction -coffee- So now I still realize that I can’t/don’t want to figure shit out and I realize that FASTER. Funny, but not terribly helpful. Caffeine welcomes back an old friend, Anxiety. (I refer to it as a friend just so it knows it’s time with me is limited and it’s not staying, shhhhh, pinky swear?)

So I’m bloated, foggy and anxious. DELICIOUSLY attractive no doubt. Anxious because I know I should be doing much more daily. But what was I supposed to be doing and why was it important and why am I thinking about this anyway? lol Round and round I go, my roly-poly, cobwebby, agitated self. It’s got to get better, right?  Well, yes, I’m glad you asked. Some days, my hormones take a break and I feel like “me” again and I should celebrate the shit out of those days. Party! My stomach flattens, I’m so sharp mentally and calm, peaceful and grounded. Bliss

And then, Menopause speaks again. This time it’s my thighs and my hips. Exhausted is the word. Absolutely not a drop of stamina for climbing stairs, walking uphill, riding a bike. I’d rather lie in traffic. Seriously, I could just drop to the ground and give up. GIVE UP????? I was (still am) in good shape, always was. Kick boxing, boot camp, weights, cardio, you name it, I was down. This FATIGUE bullshit is not me, at all. Suddenly I feel antiquated – Good God, not that.

And Christ, is it hot in here? Haha. Seriously tho – the fluctuations, only at night (thank God) are enough to drive you nuts. Blankets on blankets off. Bundled up, then naked. Don’t touch me, then keep me warm. Bloated, sweaty, agitated – How sexy am I? (don’t answer that) Morning arrives to greet your wet, mental fog… who’s popping up out of bed to start the cheerful day? NOT ME. I roll over onto a dry spot on the sheets, back of my hair wet, clothes damp.  Oh, that reminds me… who doesn’t want to make this all go away? – don’t, whatever you do, think you’re going to add alcohol to a hot mess such as this -in an attempt to improve the situation. I think not –  Exacerbation city!!!  It’ll make Menopause symptoms look like a picnic.

I start thinking – This is some dumb shit, really asinine. Everyday, heading into your late 40’s and early 50’s, if you are not “in touch” with your body and listen to what it needs, then Menopause is going to roll you. Ever meet Flat Stanley? you will. Blindsided by a hormonal steamroller is what you’ll be. I’m late to the party with all of this so I’ve had longer than the average Joe, to get my mental shit together so I wouldn’t enter into this milestone already a hot mess. I wonder how many women start with these symptoms and run to the Dr. thinking they’ve got early dementia, chronic fatigue, fibromialgia, heart problems, thyroid issues… seriously!

You may want to punish your body for not functioning at 100%, I get it. Common I suppose. I seriously started to think something was REALLY wrong with me until I was able to put the pieces together. Menopause is different for every woman but there are some common strands. Instead of getting angry with the temporary upheaval – I will treat my body/mind like I would an old friend and show compassion, patience and understanding. Just because I accept the ridiculousness that is upon me does not mean it is here to stay. 

So today, I rest when I can and care for myself. Enjoying the nurturing only I can give my changing, maturing body. I push a little with exercise, mostly gardening, loading rocks, digging holes, running the wheelbarrow up my steep embankment, easy shit like this, ha. All the while cognizant of what my body will agree to that day. Resting when I need to, connecting with the earth energy and the support of the heavens. Stopping to observe the changes in my body and not fighting them but accepting the wisdom they bring.  

Whatever needs doing these days….I may show up foggy, bloated, sweaty and anxious. And I will not make this a problem. I got this.

body · Uncategorized

It’s All Good

We must think healthy thoughts about (and for) our bodies. I choose to eat the best food. It’s ok if I stray from my routine, I can just begin again. I can feel the nutrients in my food traveling to the places inside, nourishing the parts that need it most. Everyday I choose to build a healthy lifestyle. One I can be proud of. My body and I, in partnership, we can do this.

Today.

This meal.

This hour.

Right now.

Begin again.

Anyways.

anyways · awareness · body · Celebrate · Change · childhood · Cleanse · fun · gratitude · healing · healthy · human condition · Human Spirit · Joy · light in the darkness · Moving On · old patterns · persevere · Reframe · self love · Spirit Guides · Uncategorized

Voiceless

i find it to be quite interesting that my throat – the place where Wisdom emanates from my being – is under attack.  My personal truth, these days, freely flows out of me without much rehearsal and angst. I used to have to fight to be heard, taken seriously, seen. As a wee little person, I was afraid to speak up or out against anything or anyone, no matter how obvious and insidious the injustice. For fear of being hurt, disowned, different, seen, ignored, shamed, humiliated – fuck, that’s a lot of blockage. It was much easier and safer to remain unseen, unheard, un-human. All tucked away in my larynx. The organ of self expression. The holder of secrets. Of stuffed emotions.

The more baggage/trauma that crams up sideways in our throats, clogs our ability to speak our truth without the fear of being annihilated… this blockage of energy, over time, creates disease. The thyroid slowly malfunctions – giving you, finally, what you want – shutting down the forces that keep you functioning, the proof of our aliveness, our voice. This human communication frequency- stifled. We comply to the old parameters of “allowed” existence until, one fine day, we find our voice and slowly, standing up to the shadows of the past- step into our ROAR.

Yesterday I really used my voice. By “voice” I mean put myself out there for others to see me speaking my truth. I was asked by one of my bosses to lead a group of teens and then a large group of adults, in a guided meditation. Daunting task for sure. I told him, “that hat scares the shit out of me! Let’s do it” LOL. In the next couple of days I actively resisted the urge to REHEARSE endlessly and woke on a few occasions at 4:30 am to record the words that were being channeled (to me) by one of my Spirit Guides.

I felt strong, healthy, connected and NORMAL – doing what I love. No script, just freely flowing words from my higher self and spirit help. And I did this for an audience of 30 teens and then, later that day, 60 adults. It felt amazing. I received some really great feedback. Words cannot accurately capture what I was feeling. Maybe the thawing of what was. The shattering of the old silence replaced by new possibility. I had done this many, many times before but rarely with groups this large AND never with people who didn’t sign up for it.

This morning I woke with the rawest sore throat I’ve had since being a teenager. I expected to see blood when I opened up and looked in the mirror. Nope. As a kid my throat was frequently attacked, what a shock 🙄. For me, today, this is a sign that I’m doing good work. Throat Chakra work that does not yet have a permanent residence in my physical body. My throat may protest for a while by getting sore, voice disappearing, swollen glands, dryness, etc. whatever it can throw at me so it can continue playing small. This is what’s been comfortable.

The “No pain, No gain” and heart might just apply here. Old patterns are disrupted, light shining into the dark places. Old dysfunction will be cleared. Throat issues are a reminder of what was, while creating what will NOW be.

acceptance · anyways · awareness · body · Body image · Celebrate · Change · Comfort · fun · gratitude · healthy · human condition · Play · self love · self talk · Thrive · Treasure · Universe

Privilege Denied To So Many

I am learning to embrace growing older. The grays arriving, the wrinkles. It’s not easy. I keep meeting up with ppl who point this out like it’s their job. Continue reading “Privilege Denied To So Many”

acceptance · anxiety · anyways · awareness · body · challenge · Change · childhood · Comfort · connection · healing · healthy · human condition · Human Spirit · Joy · light in the darkness · listen · Manifest · Moving On · old patterns · persevere · Satisfied · See · self love · self talk · soul · Spirit Guides · survival · Thrive · trust

When you’ve arrived

How do we know when we’ve arrived?  When we’ve matured? Growned up? 😂 It’s been a long time coming – like 50 years long. I found myself involved in a group conversation yesterday and 4 women were sharing their identity theft experiences. I knew I had the mother of all tales. These women love to talk, spewing their words into the air like throwing confetti hoping to hit a target. Some peices landing where intended. Others scattering about, disappearing into the room like snowflakes on warm pavement. Talking, sharing, for the sake of talking, sharing.

I, feeling the internal bulldozer push to share, to say something to top their stories- completely self servingly and ego based – said nothing. WHATT? Me? Story-teller ME? Holding back? Didn’t give into the forces of EGO and cram my experience into these listening beings? Well no, no I didnt. But, but I’m so fucking good at it. I am quite the entertainer and very charming 😑…Instead, I made the conscious choice to sit and listen to what was shared. It was clear that I might possibly have been the ONLY one listening that’s for sure. I observed all four of them perched on their haunches, waiting for a pause through which to interject their story. Not comment or question or otherwise entertain another’s offering- just forge ahead with how important THEY were. Blindly, single trackedly, gushing many details. Sprinkling in some theatrics.

What is it about being heard? We’re all so desperate to have a connection. May it be bourne from “I feel invisible” “I don’t matter” “I don’t have a right to be here” “I’m not ok”? Whatever your specific brand of bull-shit self doubt, self loathing – with enough self work, inner healing, counciling, body work, etc.. working through the shadow/darkness (patterns we use to adapt to a less than perfect upbringing) we CAN turn things around. We can be there for OURSELVES and not expect others to fill in our missing pieces. And not expect other to fill in what’s missing in our lives. Not expect others to SAVE US.

I sat, and retreated inward. Deeply. Even though outward appearances appeared as though I was listening intently (survival 101 as a child-I got an A+ 😡).  To a place I found a wise woman. A higher self within me who was able to, in the moment, be IN this conversation but as an observer at the same time. Letting go of the pressure to perform. Pressure to make people like me. Pressure to entertain. One-up. Dazzle. My ego was prob pissed, starved, lonely, deflated…as I sat, a really good listener. I was quiet, seemingly uninvolved, aloof, passive…. all of the things I was forced to be as a child. God forbid I show some light, enthusiasm and BRAINS!!!! Someone would have felt challenged. And that would have been very bad for me as a kid.

So as I sat, some old patterns arose. Of course! The push to gush my story of identity theft all over everyone. But instead, I sat, and let WORTHLESS, FEAR, PRESSURE, ANXIETY wash over me. Feeling accomplished. Able to DISCERN. Keep my mouth shut and make a conscious decision to talk or not.

I think the most ironic nugget is that didn’t we, as trauma/abuse survivors, experience identity theft as children? Very early in life someone(s) ran off with who we came here to be. Outright stole our identity and we had to pick another one. Put a different face on. And here we are scratching through the forest floor, looking for remnants of who we are. Retrieving parts lost, uncovering the light with the dark. Finding really cool things about ourselves. Aligning with others who really SEE us, the real us. Life-Lock identity protection-like.

Everyday there are lessons to be learned. Interesting ways the Universe configures to allow us the opportunity to heal (or not). I always live by these simple words… Life is happening FOR us, not TO us. I believe Tony Robbins is quoted saying that 💜Ahhhh. Discernment. Welcome my newest friend.

 

acceptance · affirmation · anyways · awareness · body · Body image · Celebrate · connection · Diet · Eating · Forgiveness · fun · gratitude · healing · healthy · heart · human condition · intention · Joy · light in the darkness · listen · Manifest · persevere · Play · presence · Reframe · Satisfied · self love · self talk · Survive · Treasure · Uncategorized

I’m gunna hug you and squeeze you and call you George

944871E1-4240-4EB0-A86F-FF01A8612A5B.jpegDo you give thanks everyday for your body? Your amazingly perfect physical-ness? You should! You should express your gratitude for your bones, joints, skin, liver, your feet, your eyesight, your pancreas, your nose, your brain, the hair on your toes, on your head, even parts that hurt, are sick or not exactly making you happy right now. Every organ, every inch of your body. Become aware, today. Become aware of how you choose to treat the miracle of YOU. The miracle of thinking, being, feeling, acting and reacting. Offer it love, give it exercise – whether or not it complains or balks, give it good food – try things you’ve read about and don’t forget the water, generous amounts of water. Say thank you for all the ways you function right now because the more you are aware of your body, the more you will avoid mistreating it.

 

body · Body image · Celebrate · Change · Cleanse · connection · Diet · Eating · Food · Food sensitivities · gratitude · Gut health · Hate · healing · healthy · human condition · intention · Joy · light in the darkness · persevere · Satisfied · Starving · survival · Weight loss

Finally, A Loser

A rocky, traumatic past can result in a relentless painful grip on our lives. Perhaps chronic physical illness, mental health diagnoses, self harm/injury, under/over eating, financial destruction, addiction, self sabotage, etc. is the way life is packaged for us. Perhaps there’s a way out and none of these ankle bracelets have to be yours. Perhaps

As a young-in I was very thin. Prob use a lot of calories when in constant motion body, mind and soul. My feeling about my body – indifferent. I don’t recall ever feeling into my body and being at home in it. I’d rather hang out in my head where it was safe. My head never betrayed me, EVER

My body. Another story. It was an object of desire. Because I couldn’t tell anyone the truth about how I was being taken advantage of (and no one listened when I tried). I wished I didn’t have a body. This was subtle, unconscious. I’d withhold going to the bathroom, I’d go a long time with out eating. I experimented with tying things around my neck – if I killed this stupid body the abuse would stop.

Then there were these mysterious rashes. A betrayal from the inside, meant for me to lose my mind with itching and parental refusal to seek medical assistance. My body reacting to any insect bite with swelling, rendering me unrecognizable and a ridiculous spectacle as I was ALWAYS sent to school 🙄. My Mother (loose term) finally taking me to the emergency room days after being stung by a bee…my condition declining. The Dr.’s treating her like a complete dick – which I secretly loved…which she obviously was 😂. She was extremely embarrassed and angry with ME for putting HER in that position. WTF? Not really a good idea to call a narcissist out on their fucked up lack of concern.

It seemed like my inward hate my body had for me was matched by my outward hate I had for my body. This disrespect/disregard continued on into my  teen, young adult, and mid-30’s. I started, with a passionate vengeance, on my healing journey in my early 30’s. I was slowly learning to be a little kinder and forgiving to my body. But still engaged in heavy, joint damaging weight lifting, kick boxing (broke my own foot), excessive sun baithing, trying any diet that seemed to work for anyone else – even that SHITTY, organ damaging-  maple syrup, cayenne, lemon diet. Joke

Seriously though, I was not REALLY overweight. I had 10-15 pounds that have always made me appear unhealthy, I thought. It felt like I looked like I didn’t give a shit about myself. That the more I  shared my nutritional knowledge, the more of a sham I was. I worked out, hard. I ate mostly raw, minimally processed food, a better intake than most around me.

Enter self loathing. Knock, knock, who’s there? Shit, don’t answer, it’s self loathing….Again. Shut the door and RUN. Actually, never left me but now, after all I’ve done to please you…supplements, the best medical care $ can buy, organic food, the works …for years!!!! And still a chunky monkey????? Beyond irritated. Fucking pissed, jealous of anyone who can lose weight, anyone who pulls off a thin body and doesn’t have to give up all their happiness for it 😡.

My BODY was fucking with me. It would not let go. The only method that I KNEW worked was starvation. My body was just making an asshole out of me – undermining all my best, of the best, of the best efforts. I would go to 90 min Bikram Yoga sessions, 3 times a week (110 degrees, 30% humidity) I was very mean to a body that only craved softness and compassion. I deprived myself of so many things – I was gunna show my body what was up. Slowly, despite all my (what I thought was) “good treatment” my weight crept up 😩

Finally! In the past 2 years I have made some remarkable strides in the self-love department. I respond to my bodies needs (food, thirst, bathroom, pain, fatigue, off-days, overstimulation, over my ideal weight, occasional decreased strength) with immediate attention and loving kindness. I have given up trying to muscle my way into being supremely FIT, my personal best, the smartest, the strongest, etc. I’m doing the best that I can and I just let the rest go.

This exact notion, has set me free. In July I did a cleanse. A DR. led, deep, detoxifying clean out. It cost 150$.  I had settled in with the notion of being the size that I am for ever. Simply just made peace with my size 10-12, oh well, at least I’m healthy on the inside.  I just wanted to be healthy no matter what the scale says. I began the 7 day cleanse which had a shake for breakfast, lunch protein with veggies/fruit and dinner same and also liver detox drops and colon cleanse pills. Detox over n out. I finished the week. I had been on at least 6 different cleanses over the past 8 years… it ended yet I continued eating like this for 2 more weeks as I felt amazing. My body felt great and the bloating in my stomach just vanished. No cheating (sensitive to gluten, eggs, dairy, corn 🙄, bananas and beef and prob grains too 😔) which, after a rough and rocky 15 years of battling back against those MAJOR items, I can finally say I’ve put on my big girl panties and I’m over them.

Anyone know how HARD it is to have such allergies that ARE NOT life threatening, just life ruining? Fucked out of all life’s delishous pleasures, every 4 hours of your waking life??? Having to continue to cook for your family – cook “normal” food that you can only dream of eating? And then making completely different food for yourself? AYFKM? Torture.  But miraculously, here I sit, already 8 lbs down and I MEAN by divine intervention …I do not crave anything that I used to. This cleanse RE-SET my gut to completely normal functioning and metabolism. 😳😳. I have been losing 1-2 lbs per week. Without more than some walking for exercise 5 days a week. I am completely ecstatic. This is not a diet- it is my lifestyle, one with no end. I am incredibly blessed to have cracked the code of my wonderfully complex, sensitive, lovely, biologically functioning body.

313CF52A-6502-45D9-897F-6A8BC337DB88Really!!!!  Major road block to self Love obliterated. Because I am now able to put myself and my GLORIOUS body first – I completely lose ANY magnetic, intoxicating draw to harmful or too much food/drink. I am at the point where I love my self so deeply and reverently – I feel like I won the body lottery. I feel incredibly sexy and being in my body feels like a sensual adventure.

No more feeling like a sham, closet eater, bullshitter (all talk) , frustrated sabotage-er, over-eater to make my body PAY for not doing what I want!!!! I would always say out loud, “why am I not 110 pounds?”. No medical professional, therapist, weight loss specialist, gym coach could ever meet with success with regards to my weight loss. It’s been an incredibly, incredibly frustrating journey but I’ve made it to the other, smaller side.

Now I eat more often, when I’m hungry, splitting a would-be meal between 2 meals, stopping when I’m satisfied, not full. Nothing I’m allergic/sensitive to, period. I’m working WITH my body, taking its signals for thirst. Not enough, too much – seriously.

I do occasionally feel the way I want to “kill” some fear or anxiety that comes up – WITH FOOD. I breathe through those feelings instead of throw food at them. It requires much awareness and presence but I’ve had a lot, a lot of practice processing through emotions and making friends with my body.

We’re in this together – we might as well enjoy each other’s company 👍.