Yesterday was an emotional day for me. The purging hurt so good. The death of an antiquated pattern, shedding my dumb-suit. My beauty radiating blissfully from under the decaying camouflage. Reflecting on how different I am today. It hit me hard. Like my heart was cracking open to love – love for myself. A profound realization that I fully embraced and spoke out loud. Yes, out loud, to my husband. “I am very intelligent, my brain is astute, clear and perceptive. I have so much to offer. I deeply feel that I’ve always been this way but shrunk myself so I could “fit” or disappear or make less trouble in my wicked family of origin. ” Oh, the emotional pain in the realization that I have been shorting myself. No-one, today, dampens my light, my potential, it’s me. We do it to ourselves. When we’re ready to take responsibility for our own lives, we stop blaming others for screwing up our lives. But so painful the journey is to arrive at this point – so many times, over and over and over, pain is the door through which profound personal growth enters us.
We have a choice, we can ignore the door, we can walk towards the door and turn away just before we reach for the knob, we can put our hand on the knob and change our mind. We can open the door, take a peek and close it again. Also, we may take a step through the doorway and still turn around and come back out the door. It is an absolute miracle, with all these choices, that any of us choose to – not only walk through the doorway of pain – but go back again and again because we know this is the only way to true healing. Despite the pain, despite our suffering, we strive for better lives, a better existence. The best possible version of ourselves. Anyway.
Now, a new confidence is mine. Not borrowed, rented or stolen. Permanent, home, comfort. A new normal. That I am fine just the way I am. A clearer mind comes with this. I spend no time thinking of how I’m being perceived by others and more time listening and being present with those I am with. ****The situations I find myself in haven’t changed – the way I perceive them – has changed. A clearer lens, a calmer presentation of me. The shift has been painful in the past couple of weeks. Yesterday was a huge Ah-ha for me. As I gave my emerging self – A VOICE. Pain is knocking, would you answer?
I no longer need to brace to protect myself from feeling inadequate. I no longer need to arm myself with strategies so I don’t appear ignorant, or uncooperative or selfish or assertive or too direct or self assured – so I can be sure that no-one around me feels small… I don’t care what you think of me. No Shit. No apologies. Done with that garbage. Really doesn’t matter at all what others think of me. My intentions are good and your opinion of me is just filtered through your dysfunction anyway. Useless information. If you love me or hate me it’s really none of my business. What IS my business is how I honor and love myself. I can’t make others love me, care about me or see how amazing my life is now. So, not an ounce of apology. I am in love with who I am. Who I’ve always been. I am very intelligent. I can do anything I put my mind to. Anything. Nothing is out of my reach. The choices I make for my life are the correct ones. My brain is resilient and amazing. I was born worthy of love and belonging. It’s time for me to show up and be seen, being ME.
No more playing small. Talking badly about myself or my daily functioning. If my self-love makes you uncomfortable that is understandable. It has made me squirm for quite some time. Looks like I’ve made peace with that. I highly recommend that for you, also.