Human Spirit · Joy · self love · suffering · Uncategorized · women

Don’t mind me

Don’t mind me, I’m just living my best life. As a woman, my natural state of being is confident, sensual, powerful, WILD. And get out of my way cause I’m feeling all of it. Something about this cool crisp air, flushing out the stagnant left over summer heat. It fans the embers of my soul. Embers that glow unapologetically, especially when everything around me is going to shit. I’m not trying to dumb down my joy or connection with spirit because someone else is suffering with debt, disease or divorce. I do give a shit but trust that I can still feel amazing even tho I’m surrounded with suffering.

I’m sure I could come up with something to torment myself over – 30 lbs overweight, seasonal allergies, nerve pain in my left ass cheek 🤪 or whathaveyou- but oh well, instead I’d rather fill my senses with the little, plentiful pleasures in life. Those lovely sensory field trips such as walking barefoot in the grass, wearing a fitted dress and heels for no reason, putting on a juicy orange-red lipstick, creating a fresh picked wild flower wreath for my head, sitting in the garden with my eyes closed…You know, simple, delicious shit because I matter. Because there are no guarantees. Because I don’t care if anyone approves. Because only I can do this for myself.

Be fabulous. Be a Queen or King. If just for a moment. If just for today. Anyways.

This or better.

anxiety · childhood · expectation · healing · healthy · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · resilient · Uncategorized

The Beginning of Our Goodbye

Hello my darling ANXIETY.

What is it you want to tell me?

I promise I won’t curse you or otherwise chase you away today.

The fact that you’re here now – a good indication that I’m ready now and finally prepared to hear your message.

You’re here anyway, so I might as well, lend you an ear.

I let you in many years ago, I guess it’s only natural that you’d want to be set free.

You kept me safe and on guard when I needed to be.

You are no longer needed to the extent that you were.

I’ll keep checking in with you over the course of today.

Maybe we can get to know each other better when we’re not triggered.

Maybe we can craft an easy transition to a more peaceful existence.

Maybe I can get to know where you begin and I end.

This is just the beginning of our goodbye.

Maybe I can, ANXIETY, maybe I can.

Uncategorized

Fear of Connection

There was no way I was gunna beat the elderly population to the blood draw. Opens at 7 – line forms at 6:30.. why you ask? Because these ppl get off on annoying the rest of the population 😂. I get there at 8:30 because it’s gotta be less crowded, right?

Open the door and not an empty seat. No, actually, one seat left. 🙄 Whew. And one more, hidden between two larger folks. All is right in the world. I take a seat. One couple is going through some random online survey. Thinking it’s ok to read each choice out loud – seemingly unaware of ALL of us held captive in this tiny room. Here they were, laughing loudly and reading each survey choice out loud 🙄🙄

Now unless you have earbuds or phones, you are going to HAVE TO listen to their non-sense…Tide vs. All, Dawn vs. Ajax…bla bla bla bla bla bla. Captive audience. Pretty sure my ears were bleeding.

So I keep smiling. Trying not to show my disgust for their lack of social awareness, their insatiable need to be noticed and heard, yuk 🙄. My only recourse, I log into WordPress, recording the highlights of this backwoods richness unfolding before me.

Enter elderly gentleman with “sample in hand” – (remember where I am) You know what sample I speak of.

“Holy hell” he announces loudly as he enters and looks around this teeny cell block room. “Wow, this is a small room”. Congrats Captain Obvious! No-one responds or lifts an eyeball…And he’s no quitter 🤪 again, he offers -“Everyone here for a good reason or a bad reason?” Again, no-one makes eye contact or responds to his inquiries. My fellow cell-mates are looking down, counting floor tiles and suddenly reading posters long forgotten – eyes ANYWHERE – but on this friendly, harmless soul.

One last attempt. “There’s a TV on, but no sound” – this time I chuckle, I can’t help it. This guy is desperate to have someone respond to him. See him. Hear him. Get him. I get this desire to connect. I understand the need. But everyone in this tiny waiting room wants this guy to disappear. The Human Condition.

Wish granted. It was his turn. He rose from his chair and left with the technician. Tragedy averted. For now.

What’s wrong with us? What makes ppl avoid overly friendly folks? Why are we so afraid? Like he’s going to glom onto us and ask us for our pin #. Wtf. Like he might follow us home and try to sleep on the couch if you make eye contact or acknowledge his existence??? What’s the worst that can happen? A friendly conversation for a couple of minutes? Strangers are fascinating – I think. Observing human behavior is fascinating.

Uncategorized

HOW I BECAME A WARRIOR

Once, I ran from fear

so fear controlled me.

Until I learned to hold fear like a newborn.

Listen to it, but not give in.

Honour it, but not worship it.

Fear could not stop me anymore.

I walked with courage into the storm.

I still have fear,

but it does not have me.

Once, I was ashamed of who I was.

I invited shame into my heart.

I let it burn.

It told me, “I am only trying

to protect your vulnerability”.

I thanked shame dearly,

and stepped into life anyway,

unashamed, with shame as a lover.

Once, I had great sadness

buried deep inside.

I invited it to come out and play.

I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.

And I found joy right there.

Right at the core of my sorrow.

It was heartbreak that taught me how to love.

Once, I had anxiety.

A mind that wouldn’t stop.

Thoughts that wouldn’t be silent.

So I stopped trying to silence them.

And I dropped out of the mind,

and into the Earth.

Into the mud.

Where I was held strong

like a tree, unshakeable, safe.

Once, anger burned in the depths.

I called anger into the light of myself.

I felt its shocking power.

I let my heart pound and my blood boil.

Listened to it, finally.

And it screamed, “Respect yourself fiercely now!”.

“Speak your truth with passion!”.

“Say no when you mean no!”.

“Walk your path with courage!”.

“Let no one speak for you!”

Anger became an honest friend.

A truthful guide.

A beautiful wild child.

Once, loneliness cut deep.

I tried to distract and numb myself.

Ran to people and places and things.

Even pretended I was “happy”.

But soon I could not run anymore.

And I tumbled into the heart of loneliness.

And I died and was reborn

into an exquisite solitude and stillness.

That connected me to all things.

So I was not lonely, but alone with All Life.

My heart One with all other hearts.

Once, I ran from difficult feelings.

Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,

and they all have a home in me,

and they all belong and have dignity.

I am sensitive, soft, fragile,

my arms wrapped around all my inner children.

And in my sensitivity, power.

In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.

In the depths of my wounds,

in what I had named “darkness”,

I found a blazing Light

that guides me now in battle.

I became a warrior

when I turned towards myself.

And started listening.

Words by: Jeff Foster

[ Art by : A Fish Named Karen ]