Born into a family of dysfunction, I navigated my world the best I could, hoping to be loved, cherished, valued, held and heard. Instead I was met with disregard for my life, repeated, long-term invasion of my body, my innocence, violence disguised as love, safety/security masquerading as control. All at the hands of my parents and male siblings. I was doomed. A shell of a human. Existing in the dizzying cycle of being tossed around in the surf of life – only occasionally able to take a full breath, surface. Pieces of my personality chipped off, the tide taking them far off, away. Never feeling the ground beneath my feet. Becoming dead inside, broken. Accepting the abnormal as normal. As violence, invasion came over me again and again I became familiar with rage. The rage that was growing inside of me. Rage that would never be recognized. Undercover. A secret rage, thoughts of revenge that would bring a sweet, savory smile to my perfect little-girl face. Continue reading “Just A Shell”
I’m in love with unexpected smiles. The light in the snark, the playful mouth moves when all seems frost. Warming our perception of the jagged edges, the harsh we-ality. Giver and receiver alike, the threat replaced with gentleness. With joy. With connection.
The spread, taking us in new directions. Shattering tension, breaking barriers, it’s the universal, peaceful warrior code. The “I really see you” chipping away at walls, silently dismantling. Stealthily human and reassuring, a wide smile can disarm.
The giver offers the pearly uplift and received or not, it’s out there. A floating smile cloud for the taking. Without turbulence or storm, the smile poised to reign a shower of joy over unsuspecting travelers. We see it, feel it. Keep it or pass it dawn. Morning, noon or night a dentition delight. I’m in love with unexpected smiles.
Where do you land when everything is a lie? When what is clearly seen, clearly real is denied we begin to question everything. We begin to question the way we feel, think and behave. They don’t have to do it anymore, WE pick up the scalding torch and run with it. To all the corners of our existence. Chasing and scorching reality until unrecognizable.
Fake plastic smiles covering for rage and disgust. Frozen truth. Would they lie to me? Everyday? Mind fucking my reality? Lipstick on an ugly pig. A lonely pig that is, the pig who sees all – This pig, he knows the end of his days could come, the threat of slaughter looming if he blows up the fairytale. If he choked on the Kool-Aid. There, there silly pig swallow all that sweet poison. Lonely to be the only one who sees and locks eyes with the undercurRANT.
A story that would keep all parties safe. The chapter book that keeps everyone above ground. Characters who are crafted and groomed and praised for family secrecy. The secrets are not safe with me. Here, take our version it won’t expose anyone, they say. For now. But lies, lies don’t live forever. Unless. Unless we don’t challenge their existence. I speak the truth, no matter the cost. Would I lie to you? Never.