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Retiring My Emotional Armor

Yesterday was an emotional day for me. The purging hurt so good. The death of an antiquated pattern, shedding my dumb-suit. My beauty radiating blissfully from under the decaying camouflage. Reflecting on how different I am today. It hit me hard. Like my heart was cracking open to love – love for myself. Continue reading “Retiring My Emotional Armor”

anxiety · childhood · expectation · healing · healthy · human condition · Human Spirit · inner work · resilient · Uncategorized

The Beginning of Our Goodbye

Hello my darling ANXIETY.

What is it you want to tell me?

I promise I won’t curse you or otherwise chase you away today.

The fact that you’re here now – a good indication that I’m ready now and finally prepared to hear your message.

You’re here anyway, so I might as well, lend you an ear.

I let you in many years ago, I guess it’s only natural that you’d want to be set free.

You kept me safe and on guard when I needed to be.

You are no longer needed to the extent that you were.

I’ll keep checking in with you over the course of today.

Maybe we can get to know each other better when we’re not triggered.

Maybe we can craft an easy transition to a more peaceful existence.

Maybe I can get to know where you begin and I end.

This is just the beginning of our goodbye.

Maybe I can, ANXIETY, maybe I can.


Fear of Connection

There was no way I was gunna beat the elderly population to the blood draw. Opens at 7 – line forms at 6:30.. why you ask? Because these ppl get off on annoying the rest of the population 😂. I get there at 8:30 because it’s gotta be less crowded, right?

Open the door and not an empty seat. No, actually, one seat left. 🙄 Whew. And one more, hidden between two larger folks. All is right in the world. I take a seat. One couple is going through some random online survey. Thinking it’s ok to read each choice out loud – seemingly unaware of ALL of us held captive in this tiny room. Here they were, laughing loudly and reading each survey choice out loud 🙄🙄

Now unless you have earbuds or phones, you are going to HAVE TO listen to their non-sense…Tide vs. All, Dawn vs. Ajax…bla bla bla bla bla bla. Captive audience. Pretty sure my ears were bleeding.

So I keep smiling. Trying not to show my disgust for their lack of social awareness, their insatiable need to be noticed and heard, yuk 🙄. My only recourse, I log into WordPress, recording the highlights of this backwoods richness unfolding before me.

Enter elderly gentleman with “sample in hand” – (remember where I am) You know what sample I speak of.

“Holy hell” he announces loudly as he enters and looks around this teeny cell block room. “Wow, this is a small room”. Congrats Captain Obvious! No-one responds or lifts an eyeball…And he’s no quitter 🤪 again, he offers -“Everyone here for a good reason or a bad reason?” Again, no-one makes eye contact or responds to his inquiries. My fellow cell-mates are looking down, counting floor tiles and suddenly reading posters long forgotten – eyes ANYWHERE – but on this friendly, harmless soul.

One last attempt. “There’s a TV on, but no sound” – this time I chuckle, I can’t help it. This guy is desperate to have someone respond to him. See him. Hear him. Get him. I get this desire to connect. I understand the need. But everyone in this tiny waiting room wants this guy to disappear. The Human Condition.

Wish granted. It was his turn. He rose from his chair and left with the technician. Tragedy averted. For now.

What’s wrong with us? What makes ppl avoid overly friendly folks? Why are we so afraid? Like he’s going to glom onto us and ask us for our pin #. Wtf. Like he might follow us home and try to sleep on the couch if you make eye contact or acknowledge his existence??? What’s the worst that can happen? A friendly conversation for a couple of minutes? Strangers are fascinating – I think. Observing human behavior is fascinating.

anyways · Human Spirit · persevere · resilient · warrior

It’s OK

It’s Ok when you don’t believe me.

It’s ok when you deny my reality.

When you want me to shut up.

If you ignore me.

If you think I’m wrong.

If you think I’m crazy.

If you tell everyone I’m the problem.

If you still think I’m angry.

It’s ok if you smile and act like you’re listening.

It’s ok if you’re not in my life.

It’s ok if you never will be.

I am free. Anyway.

[A Fish Named Karen, artwork – A Fish Named Karen]



Once, I ran from fear

so fear controlled me.

Until I learned to hold fear like a newborn.

Listen to it, but not give in.

Honour it, but not worship it.

Fear could not stop me anymore.

I walked with courage into the storm.

I still have fear,

but it does not have me.

Once, I was ashamed of who I was.

I invited shame into my heart.

I let it burn.

It told me, “I am only trying

to protect your vulnerability”.

I thanked shame dearly,

and stepped into life anyway,

unashamed, with shame as a lover.

Once, I had great sadness

buried deep inside.

I invited it to come out and play.

I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.

And I found joy right there.

Right at the core of my sorrow.

It was heartbreak that taught me how to love.

Once, I had anxiety.

A mind that wouldn’t stop.

Thoughts that wouldn’t be silent.

So I stopped trying to silence them.

And I dropped out of the mind,

and into the Earth.

Into the mud.

Where I was held strong

like a tree, unshakeable, safe.

Once, anger burned in the depths.

I called anger into the light of myself.

I felt its shocking power.

I let my heart pound and my blood boil.

Listened to it, finally.

And it screamed, “Respect yourself fiercely now!”.

“Speak your truth with passion!”.

“Say no when you mean no!”.

“Walk your path with courage!”.

“Let no one speak for you!”

Anger became an honest friend.

A truthful guide.

A beautiful wild child.

Once, loneliness cut deep.

I tried to distract and numb myself.

Ran to people and places and things.

Even pretended I was “happy”.

But soon I could not run anymore.

And I tumbled into the heart of loneliness.

And I died and was reborn

into an exquisite solitude and stillness.

That connected me to all things.

So I was not lonely, but alone with All Life.

My heart One with all other hearts.

Once, I ran from difficult feelings.

Now, they are my advisors, confidants, friends,

and they all have a home in me,

and they all belong and have dignity.

I am sensitive, soft, fragile,

my arms wrapped around all my inner children.

And in my sensitivity, power.

In my fragility, an unshakeable Presence.

In the depths of my wounds,

in what I had named “darkness”,

I found a blazing Light

that guides me now in battle.

I became a warrior

when I turned towards myself.

And started listening.

Words by: Jeff Foster

[ Art by : A Fish Named Karen ]