Finally, A Loser

A rocky, traumatic past can result in a relentless painful grip on our lives. Perhaps chronic physical illness, mental health diagnoses, self harm/injury, under/over eating, financial destruction, addiction, self sabotage, etc. is the way life is packaged for us. Perhaps there’s a way out and none of these ankle bracelets have to be yours. Perhaps

As a young-in I was very thin. Prob use a lot of calories when in constant motion body, mind and soul. My feeling about my body – indifferent. I don’t recall ever feeling into my body and being at home in it. I’d rather hang out in my head where it was safe. My head never betrayed me, EVER

My body. Another story. It was an object of desire. Because I couldn’t tell anyone the truth about how I was being taken advantage of (and no one listened when I tried). I wished I didn’t have a body. This was subtle, unconscious. I’d withhold going to the bathroom, I’d go a long time with out eating. I experimented with tying things around my neck – if I killed this stupid body the abuse would stop.

Then there were these mysterious rashes. A betrayal from the inside, meant for me to lose my mind with itching and parental refusal to seek medical assistance. My body reacting to any insect bite with swelling, rendering me unrecognizable and a ridiculous spectacle as I was ALWAYS sent to school 🙄. My Mother (loose term) finally taking me to the emergency room days after being stung by a bee…my condition declining. The Dr.’s treating her like a complete dick – which I secretly loved…which she obviously was 😂. She was extremely embarrassed and angry with ME for putting HER in that position. WTF? Not really a good idea to call a narcissist out on their fucked up lack of concern.

It seemed like my inward hate my body had for me was matched by my outward hate I had for my body. This disrespect/disregard continued on into my  teen, young adult, and mid-30’s. I started, with a passionate vengeance, on my healing journey in my early 30’s. I was slowly learning to be a little kinder and forgiving to my body. But still engaged in heavy, joint damaging weight lifting, kick boxing (broke my own foot), excessive sun baithing, trying any diet that seemed to work for anyone else – even that SHITTY, organ damaging-  maple syrup, cayenne, lemon diet. Joke

Seriously though, I was not REALLY overweight. I had 10-15 pounds that have always made me appear unhealthy, I thought. It felt like I looked like I didn’t give a shit about myself. That the more I  shared my nutritional knowledge, the more of a sham I was. I worked out, hard. I ate mostly raw, minimally processed food, a better intake than most around me.

Enter self loathing. Knock, knock, who’s there? Shit, don’t answer, it’s self loathing….Again. Shut the door and RUN. Actually, never left me but now, after all I’ve done to please you…supplements, the best medical care $ can buy, organic food, the works …for years!!!! And still a chunky monkey????? Beyond irritated. Fucking pissed, jealous of anyone who can lose weight, anyone who pulls off a thin body and doesn’t have to give up all their happiness for it 😡.

My BODY was fucking with me. It would not let go. The only method that I KNEW worked was starvation. My body was just making an asshole out of me – undermining all my best, of the best, of the best efforts. I would go to 90 min Bikram Yoga sessions, 3 times a week (110 degrees, 30% humidity) I was very mean to a body that only craved softness and compassion. I deprived myself of so many things – I was gunna show my body what was up. Slowly, despite all my (what I thought was) “good treatment” my weight crept up 😩

Finally! In the past 2 years I have made some remarkable strides in the self-love department. I respond to my bodies needs (food, thirst, bathroom, pain, fatigue, off-days, overstimulation, over my ideal weight, occasional decreased strength) with immediate attention and loving kindness. I have given up trying to muscle my way into being supremely FIT, my personal best, the smartest, the strongest, etc. I’m doing the best that I can and I just let the rest go.

This exact notion, has set me free. In July I did a cleanse. A DR. led, deep, detoxifying clean out. It cost 150$.  I had settled in with the notion of being the size that I am for ever. Simply just made peace with my size 10-12, oh well, at least I’m healthy on the inside.  I just wanted to be healthy no matter what the scale says. I began the 7 day cleanse which had a shake for breakfast, lunch protein with veggies/fruit and dinner same and also liver detox drops and colon cleanse pills. Detox over n out. I finished the week. I had been on at least 6 different cleanses over the past 8 years… it ended yet I continued eating like this for 2 more weeks as I felt amazing. My body felt great and the bloating in my stomach just vanished. No cheating (sensitive to gluten, eggs, dairy, corn 🙄, bananas and beef and prob grains too 😔) which, after a rough and rocky 15 years of battling back against those MAJOR items, I can finally say I’ve put on my big girl panties and I’m over them.

Anyone know how HARD it is to have such allergies that ARE NOT life threatening, just life ruining? Fucked out of all life’s delishous pleasures, every 4 hours of your waking life??? Having to continue to cook for your family – cook “normal” food that you can only dream of eating? And then making completely different food for yourself? AYFKM? Torture.  But miraculously, here I sit, already 8 lbs down and I MEAN by divine intervention …I do not crave anything that I used to. This cleanse RE-SET my gut to completely normal functioning and metabolism. 😳😳. I have been losing 1-2 lbs per week. Without more than some walking for exercise 5 days a week. I am completely ecstatic. This is not a diet- it is my lifestyle, one with no end. I am incredibly blessed to have cracked the code of my wonderfully complex, sensitive, lovely, biologically functioning body.

Really!!!!  Major road block to self Love obliterated. Because I am now able to put myself and my GLORIOUS body first – I completely lose ANY magnetic, intoxicating draw to harmful or too much food/drink. I am at the point where I love my self so deeply and reverently – I feel like I won the body lottery. I feel incredibly sexy and being in my body feels like a sensual adventure.

No more feeling like a sham, closet eater, bullshitter (all talk) , frustrated sabotage-er, over-eater to make my body PAY for not doing what I want!!!! I would always say out loud, “why am I not 110 pounds?”. No medical professional, therapist, weight loss specialist, gym coach could ever meet with success with regards to my weight loss. It’s been an incredibly, incredibly frustrating journey but I’ve made it to the other, smaller side.

Now I eat more often, when I’m hungry, splitting a would-be meal between 2 meals, stopping when I’m satisfied, not full. Nothing I’m allergic/sensitive to, period. I’m working WITH my body, taking its signals for thirst. Not enough, too much – seriously.

I do occasionally feel the way I want to “kill” some fear or anxiety that comes up – WITH FOOD. I breathe through those feelings instead of throw food at them. It requires much awareness and presence but I’ve had a lot, a lot of practice processing through emotions and making friends with my body.

We’re in this together – we might as well enjoy each other’s company 👍.