My life always felt like an evil trick. Because of my circumstances I was driven to be fiercely independent, way too early. I didn’t want anyone’s help. To accept help was code for – I have to surrender a piece of myself. Help was dangerous, risky. I had already lost so much. No way was I giving up more of myself. NO WAY. As a teeny child I learned that humanity was not trustworthy. There was always a hidden agenda, motive, dark intent under all that appeared to be, oh yes, loving and kind, enter mind-fuck. That even the ones closest to you disregard your NO, your boundaries, your protest, your sadness, your existence…bla, bla, and bla. Now I realize that I didn’t deserve this horror that went on and on and on with a
life death of its own. No child is equipped with the capacity to hold all of this evil and process what is going on. No child. So we have no choice but to go numb or crazy or both. Stuffing the shame, guilt, terror, anxiety, nightmares, humiliation, rage, betrayal – into our little bodies, JUST smile and carry on, be a good girl. Trying to forget everything that reminds us of our trauma, the sights, sounds, words, smells, certain clothing, weather…Shit, just about everything! Our hard drives have been damaged – permanently. Files corrupt. I remember very little of my childhood, pre-teen, teenage and college years. All masked by terror. The kind of terror that shapes who you are, who you will become. The terror somewhat like chemo – destroying everything in its path, good, evil, doesn’t matter. Good memories, healthy, happy times -mowed down just the same as abuse soaked ones. No discrimination. I like to think of my life, my crawling back into existence, as uh-MAZE-ing.
M – memories flooding back, triggers everywhere, living in shock, in and out of the reality of how bad it was, denial, wouldn’t it be easier to die? to kill?
A– anxiety, awareness of what is vs what was, crushing despair, I might die, the push to forgive, experimenting with alternative healing methods
Z– zone of revolving emotions, zone of confusion, who am I?, who would I have been if I had not grown up in this environment?, resisting going deeper to heal wounds
E– evaluation of my life, now what?, clarity, boundaries, trust, nature, learning to heal others
I will explore each of these areas in my future blog entries. Stay tuned. But for now…… The picture reminds me that my life choices around my healing are my own choices. How far ahead do I look? How do I feel about being “stuck”? Am I being honest and realistic about what I can accomplish? Am I willing/able to trust enough to ask for help when I’m overwhelmed? What do I inherently know about why I am here on this earth? Can I surround myself with at least one person who supports my journey? Can I soften with understanding around the idea that tiny child inside of me just went in any direction they wanted me to because she just wanted to be loved, valued and seen?
I pushed through, many times, over-under-around. Many times it was suffocating, hard to get a good breath. As I reached higher to retrieve the pieces of my broken life I was able to breathe easier. and it felt amazing to really breathe once again. without the confines of the old patterns I subscribed to – just to get some love and attention. Now I just love myself and let that be enough.