I knew from the moment I saw him, he’d be trouble. Those dimples, dangerous teeth and someone-left-the-gate-open eyes. The first time we met etched in my mind. Standing on blacktop, the faint smell of cigarettes, 100% electricity in his glance. The familiar soul in an unfamiliar container. An untamed/raw primal energy awakened. How could this be?
If it wasn’t for my partner, this “stranger” would never have come to our home. It just got more odd. They accidentally met at a gas station both on the hunt for a morning cup of coffee. My partner takes a liking to this charming stray, inviting him on a racing weekend. And now here he stands all fucking 6ft of him. Christ, why? The Universe at work for sure!
So…He’s married, I’m married. Ok, good, we got this. Nothing to do about anything. This stray and his wife become part of our tribe. Camping, race weekends, trips. It’s all good. Except for one small detail…My sixth sense starts working overtime, hyper speed, Mach 9…I become increasingly aware of his presence, his absence and everything in between.
I am able to “feel” into him. His mind, his body, his gaze pure electricity I see in his eyes. He is unaware of my heightened sense about him. He has no clue. I notice the slight change in vocal tone when he addresses me. The crinkled nose-amused by my childlike curiosity. He thinks I’m entertaining -UGH, this does not help.
Over time I have no idea why I am fucking laser sharp when it comes to his essence. Now, to be clear, this is not someone I would be remotely interested in – he’s quite irresponsible with $ and commitment, he steals things, he drinks and utilizes substance with reckless abandon, he cheats on his wife, he is mentally and physically abusive – not someone I’d even walk to the end of this sentence for. Nonetheless here I am.
Before we go deeper into the experience here, now’s a great time to disclose that I am married to the most amazing person, who loves me dearly and has NONE of the aforementioned strikes against him. But this inexplicable electricity that is shared in our glance tho. WTF is that? Trying to figure out wtf is going on between our souls across worlds, lifetimes, etc. is isolating and strange. Who really has any experience with this shit? Crickets…
A long 10 years passes. And on the news was a top story about a horrific accident. The victims were gravely injured and it was reported that they might not live. Well, the injured man was our “stray” …As he lie in a drug induced coma – I connected with him – across the continent- not by choice as I didn’t know this type of connection was a “thing”. I could feel him dying. The pain was overwhelming and there was no logical explanation for my reaction.
The level of pain and heartbreak I felt for this man was not making sense. This connection was undeniable/over the top for the simple friendship we all shared. My partner felt deeply stirred by this tragic event. There was something huge here. We could not get on with our lives without him constantly on our minds.
My heart was breaking, I could feel him slipping away. He was close to death a couple of times. Fevers, infections. I was inconsolable. What was this connection? Why was I so bound and indebted to his existence?
Over his recovery I just went with it. My spiritual connection to this man was like an open line of communication between his soul and myself. I knew, intuitively where he had been injured (on his body)- without being told. I knew, I saw, I felt all of his childhood traumas. He would have never told anyone about his secrets. And there I was able to view all.
Quite intrusive, no? I could tell him what he experienced with crazy accuracy. At first, during his recovery he was intrigued. Amused, entertained, but guarded. Rightly so as he was no angel. And I could see through him. He was terrified there was no where to hide. He wanted to know what I knew and felt and heard and saw- but then again he didn’t want me to see him at all.
I was able to see the beauty of his Spirit- so very opposite of who he was on this plane. So beautiful in fact, there are no words I could use to impress upon you, the level of magnificence I was privy to. His pure essence without all this unholy shit we pile onto ourselves in this lifetime.
But the unconditional love tho, was off the charts – for no reason, it was incredibly bizarre. I could feel when he was close to death and shared in his near death experience. I did regular healings on his body remotely, I was called by an unseen force – to do this. I didn’t question anything. I felt like spirit was leading me. How could heartfelt love and care be wrong?
I would weep at (random) times – feeling the weight of his injuries. I just knew what he was going through, what surgery was next – without even being told. As his condition improved, he would listen to me and my thoughts about his spiritual path. I inherently knew that this brush with death was a wake up call for him. To start living with more heart. I pleaded with him to take this second chance, this gift and clean up his life, do better.
My dreams were filled with divine imagery, spending time with his soul, his inner child, prophetic healing dreams. I was healing him, he was healing me. The closeness was incredibly comforting. He would visit me in my dreams and I, in his.
We remembered that we had shared several past lives together, both remembering details for the other. Finishing each other’s sentences as we spoke. This was purely magical with NO explanation. ****Never sexual in nature – these experiences far surpassed the ecstasy of a sexual encounter.****
This man was fully transparent to me. God bless him for not freaking the fuck out. He stayed in there with me. Keeping contact. Then the triggers came – we would trigger each other over the slightest things. His mistress hinted that I was obsessed with him and I was crazy. Which, of course pushed all my buttons. It was clear she wanted me away from him – far away. But her degradation of me fell on deaf ears. Both of ours.
We would talk a couple nights a week. I was hell bent on figuring out what the hell this was all for. He mentioned something that hinted at physical violence towards me and our trust and friendship abruptly came crashing down.
We lost contact – as I blocked his # and I could have laid down on the train tracks. The hole in my existence was gaping. It felt as though someone had torn my chest open and ripped my heart out. I felt so depressed that I was sobbing while shopping with my hubs and climbed onto store shelving and wept openly. I was terrified, I was broken and unreachable.
I could not have given a shit whether I lived or died. I drank almost an entire bottle of Yeager Meister. And I don’t drink, ever. This was a seriously fucked up situation. My soul missed him dearly. It felt like I had been dragged down the highway and discarded in a ditch.
I had no idea if he felt the same – I had wanted him to, which was part of the suffering. I wanted him to hurt, to ache, to to rage. But he didn’t. It took me prob 4 years before I could see him with no leap of my heart. The clarity that came was incredible. I realized the purpose of our “relationship”. I learned so much about myself which I prob would not have learned if not for this roller coaster of a ride.
I learned that no matter how much you care about someone – they can only care for you as much as their heart is available to. When the heart is brutally traumatized in childhood – it remains minimally opened if at all unless you actively work on evicting the demons you’ve honestly come by and regain ownership of your heart.
You can’t make someone see what you see, know what you know, want what you want – and it cuts really deep to keep trying to convince them. No one can possible see, feel, want what you see, feel, want no matter how important you feel your experience is. When you don’t believe this, suffering is yours.
All the love in the world you feel for someone is not a guarantee that things will stay the same or that they will reciprocate (especially if they are just simply not able).
Loving someone and holding them in higher esteem than you do – yourself? Very dangerous and destabilizing.
The greatest gift he gave me was showing me a hint of violence in an attempt to control me. This taught me to pull all of my being away, into myself, contain and lock down my energy. Protect myself, protect my heart and give NOTHING of myself to someone who’s earthly self- does not deserve me. This was prob the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Stopping cold turkey was excruciating.
I needed to love MYSELF unconditionally and put MYSELF first – as I had put HIM higher than myself. Very very valuable lesson indeed – and without this profound experience -WHERE THE FUCK and how the fuck would I have gotten this message SO DEEPLY? This lesson, these lessons, I was fully attending to. My higher self presented these trials and tribulations in such a riveting way – I couldn’t NOT learn. This relationship taught me so brutally, rawly, and without question, that to love and care and honor someone far greater than loving and caring and honoring YOURSELF is a recipe for disaster.
I started saying NO to lingering thoughts of him, sensing him nearby. Saying NO to his visits in my dreams. Actively remembering to shield my lower energy centers from his intrusive energy whenever I thought of him. I was on guard, nothing OUT and nothing IN. My energy/essence was no longer “up for grabs”.
Although I learned some huge life changing lessons from this soul relationship, and have had a few more “lesser” ones since, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. These connections never became physical – if I were a diff person or wasn’t married to an amazing person or was easily seduced, this may have had a different ending. (The cavern between his earthly and Spiritual selves was blatant – this kept it real)
We went our separate ways, out into the world. He in his corner of the world, me in mine. The life changing dreams (or were they actually past lives together?) of far away places, hundreds of years ago, and my visions and intuitions will be with me forever, close to my heart. I will forever cherish and honor the Spirit alive in this “Stray”. But the intensity and electricity is forever gone.
Thank-you for hanging in there, for staying the course (and on some level -agreeing to) being an amazing catalyst for my personal growth – I can only wish that you, too have reaped SOME benefit from our connection. This…I may always wonder about. Until our next life. Maybe you’ll be a more willing, more evolved participant.
100% true 100%