Anorexia · Body image · Eating · Starving · triggers

Canned Peaches and Custard (continued)

 

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This piece is a continuation of my original post with the same title (JULY 7, 2018)

So I’ve lost so much body weight….. I look down and there’s the body of a nine-year old. I suddenly feel distant/cold. My body is betraying me, this feels like a dirty trick, where’s my fat? my padding? my womanly curves? my safety from physical betrayal of my past? Continue reading “Canned Peaches and Custard (continued)”

abuse · trauma · triggers

Just A Shell

Born into a family of dysfunction, I navigated my world the best I could, hoping to be loved, cherished, valued, held and heard. Instead I was met with disregard for my life, repeated, long-term invasion of my body, my innocence, violence disguised as love, safety/security masquerading as control. All at the hands of my parents and male siblings. I was doomed. A shell of a human. Existing in the dizzying cycle of being tossed around in the surf of life – only occasionally able to take a full breath, surface. Pieces of my personality chipped off, the tide taking them far off, away.  Never feeling the ground beneath my feet. Becoming dead inside, broken. Accepting the abnormal as normal. As violence, invasion came over me again and again I became familiar with rage. The rage that was growing inside of me. Rage that would never be recognized. Undercover. A secret rage, thoughts of revenge that would bring a sweet, savory smile to my perfect little-girl face. Continue reading “Just A Shell”