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Evicting MY Self Hate

I’ve hated this woman. I’ve not loved her at full capacity. I’ve fed her lies about herself. Trashed the way she looks, her brain, lack of emotion, too much emotion, told her she wasn’t good enough and allowed others to make decisions for her. I’ve allowed her to be broken, again and again. I’ve allowed others to treat her disrespectfully. To manipulate her for their own gain. I’ve watched as she became a passenger in her own life, silenced by doubt and mistrust.

I’ve allowed her to run through brick walls & battle for others who won’t even stand up for her. To put others’ needs before her own. Or not have any needs. She has always gotten up and stood tall to be a light to the world & love others despite all that shit. I have stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, heart and soul.

This woman didn’t want to get out of bed many days. She wailed so violently so many years. Nightmares so bad made her afraid to be awake or asleep. She dug deep to find something worth living for. Something to hold on tightly to. But there was a beast inside of this woman. I saw a beast so much more powerful than the monsters who took her light. She aligned with her Inner Wisdom, Spirit Guides and God for support in flushing out the darkness and old patterns of dysfunction. Trial and error, two steps forward, three steps back.

I doubted this woman, laughed in her face. She’d never make it out, and certainly not sane. They were right, I told this woman, you should just give up, you’re making a big deal out of nothing, your childhood was charmed 😳😳. Still she forged ahead, gathering people and supports to hold her when she needed it. So she wouldn’t drink herself silly or lie down on the tracks or make herself throw up the meal she just gorged on.

This woman has screwed up more times than can be counted, as wife, mother, daughter, as a friend, because she doesn’t always say or do the “right things”. She may push people away for fear of giving up too much of herself. She attracts people to her because she is real. She tells the truth even when it’s not popular. She has a smart mouth, and she has secrets. She has scars… because she has a history. Some people love this woman, some like her, and some people don’t care for her at all. Some people are afraid of her because her expectations for other humans turn out to be a bit too lofty. Integrity, honesty and authenticity can be difficult to find.

She has done good in her life. She has done bad in her life. She goes days without washing her hair, taking the chipped nail polish off, or shaving her legs sometimes. She doesn’t get dressed up half the time. She is random and often silly. Childlike and playful. She will not pretend to be someone she is not. She is who she is. Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy, and achievement has made her the woman she is today.

You can choose to love her or not. But if she loves you, she will do it with her whole heart, and she will make no apologies for the way she is. Ever

This Woman is a WARRIOR. She’s not perfect but is worthy of all the sweetness life can offer. She’s UNSTOPPABLE. Early in her life she was shamefully broken, shattered. Over n over. But she’s still gracefully, beautifully standing. She is loved. She is alive and full of hope. She is transformation. She is BRAVE!

9 thoughts on “Evicting MY Self Hate

  1. This is very touching and relatable..I also hate myself at times, this voice that I’m not good enough constantly bothers me..But I guess I’m not giving up and that’s all that matters sometimes. Beautifully penned down!💖

    Liked by 1 person

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