h, oh, oh my darling anxiety. Like a cloak, nah, like a wetsuit. A really tight, 20 years ago – wetsuit…. Surrounding my aura + squeezing ever so tightly, constricting me, shrinking my aliveness. Years upon years of HAVING TO KNOW. Know things before they happen. Know what to do afterward. Know how others are feeling. Know if I’m safe or at risk for harm. Know, feel, perceive if someone is “safe” or they might have an agenda, know all the answers, know that it’s not safe to not have the answers. Know that it’s not safe to see beyond what others want me to see. What a mind fuck… Not safe to see the truth, no safer to pretend NOT to see what is really going on.
BUT WAIT A MINUTE….. I have an amazing life NOW, there’s no REASON to be anxious -they say 😦 WELL of course not, not now there’s not!!!!!! Not at this point in my life. Def not now, now that I’ve peeled through layers of emotion upon emotion upon fucked up situations, events, people, and processed through years and years of garbage!!!!!!!!! Of course my psyche KNOWS that life is great now, the freedom path I’ve carved…the way I can relax into being touched and loved and cherished and truly believe that I am worthy of someone’s love and attention.
Most of all, I’m no longer being tricked. 8) But when we have ANXIETY, when our internal foundation was created on adrenaline, cortisol pumping more often than not… our best plans to relax are swallowed whole by the razor sharp toothed beast that promises to take away our peace. Over and over and over.
Our bodies are quite brilliant, the way I see it. Hypervigilance was necessary, as a traumatized child, to keep me alert to danger, warn me about people or situations, you know, see the train before it was right up on me. Anxiety is a funny thing. It’s a metal cage that serves it’s purpose; creating distance that keeps everything and everything away from our heart. It works!!!! but unfortunately, the good stuff is kept out too because that is also seen as a threat – or a trick.
So here we are, all old and shit, and STILL on guard. Feeling the subtle effects of “high alert” even though we are no longer on enemy soil. Sounds really fucking unfair, and it is. and it is. Changing an ANXIETY DEFAULT takes a lot of time. But can be done.