anxiety · anyways · healing

Not pressuring myself to choose a title

I have just excepted that I’m letting “anxious” be in the foreground. I’m going to be with, not run faster than, my breath holding, my busy-ness, the feelings of wanting to be anywhere OTHER than where I am, the rapid fire thoughts, how I pile too many tasks into my day, my NOT feeling my body’s bathroom needs… you know, all the ways we say NO to the present moment. I am setting the intention not to run away from myself but to stay with… re-parent. So, so easy to abandon your self when you need YOU the most.

But what I know about processing old wounds is that it unfolds slowly. IMO, slowly is the way it went into our psyche/body. Slowly so we may both observe and do, do and observe. And sit with more of the same (anxiety) as a result or this time, something different – maybe feeling a tiny new connection to self, or strength or a smidge of inner quiet -. The beauty of all this is that no matter what happens, there is movement on your path.

There is GOLD to be mined. The gold of figuring out who you are. Who you were. Who you came here to be. It’s all divine timing, the way it unfolds.  it’s just perfect the way it happens. Oh yes, it can be stopped. And the drive to make it all disappear is SOOOO STRONG. A lifelong battle. Listen to my higher-self or smoke pot to stop this crazy train? Listen to my spirit or drink alcohol to kill it? Listen to my inner wisdom or control it by restricting what food I take in, if any? Listen to my inner truth or cut myself so I can feel? Cause I can’t. Listen to the whisperings of my soul or go on a spending binge? Listen to my intuition and sit with bad feelings or pop some pills so I don’t hear, feel, see, think of anything harsh? Just the blissful shit pls.

BTW, these are amazingly beautiful supports yes, I said supports! for us. They are a complete gift that can alleviate any of our suffering within minutes. How very useful…. until these eventually turn on us with their negative consequences.  Thankfully I have been blessed with warrior inner drive. Walking. Over and over and over… head first into the trauma and no longer trying to bury or conceal it.

Uncovering truth about myself and what I’ve been through is my “high”. And I get so high on truth. It’s deliciousness. My family of origin fears what will come out of my mouth next. And they should. And they should. I feel I have no choice but to be loyal to the traumatized little inner child of mine. She and I walk through the fire hand in hand. It’s a really nice place to be, putting yourself first, always.dsc_0352

This DOES mean, tho, my life is a series of serious, dead nuts ups and downs. And I am choosing to hold my own soul/soles to the fire 😳. I’ve been on an “UP” for nearly 8 months before January hit. (Longest stretch in 22 years).

I find humor/pleasure/comfort in connecting the trauma process to a situation in life that mirrors the experience, but rarely thought of in that way… so here goes – to me, tiny bits of healing and processing can be likened to a DENTIST OFFICE VISIT –

-You go because you know it’s the best thing for you. 

-Showing up improves your health long term.

-You may need drugs to get through it.

-If you could do without it, you probably would.

-Sometimes you cancel if you’re scared. 

-In the middle of the appt you’re prob wondering why you signed up for it.

-When you are done you feel clean and brand new. 

-You leave appreciating the clean feeling and the newness of how your mouth feels. 

-You know you’ll be coming back to revisit this issue again. 

-It will prob be a different experience the next time. 

This all applies beautifully to your healing journey too. 


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