I’ve caught myself red handed. Reaching, expecting someone to fulfil deep core deficits, gaping holes in my existence. Hello -Being worthy, needed, and visible – to name a few. My ego came out to play last night. Just the possibility that someone might attend to my need and notice and/or care that I’m alive and suffering – was intoxicating, exciting. So turned on. Orgasmic. But not just anyone, a certain person – a soul mate from my past.
A gazillion times haven’t I learned this lesson? I thought I wasn’t looking to an outside source to complete me… today reality presided – WTF am I doing? surrendering my peace and my ground to someone who could give a shit? Familiar territory or shall we say, final resting place?! Someone always dies and traditionally it’s been me.
I’ve died a couple thousand heart deaths since childhood. striving and reaching to be seen, heard, believed, cherished. Now realizing I habitually choose the aloof, unaware, preoccupied and elusive ones – but oh so charming and risk-taking living on the edge of existence. THIS! THESE men are the ultimate prize, my former self is convinced. My wiser, older self knows THIS is the death of my poor tender, generous heart.
Cognitively I understand the impending doom so I flirt here for a couple of hours (until the street lights go on LOL). For I am the temptress and once I have your full attention, I dispose of you, promptly. **Definitely an axe to grind from childhood. Def. 🧐 **. Sorry, not sorry. We all have our shit, I just talk about mine with strangers!
So here I be, thinking of an old soulmate of this type as I work through issues of ego vs. heart, reality and fantasy, risk vs comfort. Mistakenly wishing, hoping and praying that I would be seen, heard, cherished and needed by this jerk who is capable of NONE of these things. Obvious to me that as a young child I bonded to suffering, the concept of lack, the forever chase, the revenge -following being discarded/ignored by someone I thought shared the same fondness for me.
The eviction notice has been delivered to these dark aspects of my inside story. The ultimate revenge on others who hurt and discard us is loving ourselves fiercely, anyway – without wavering. Catching ourselves before we surrender our life raft and jacket to someone else. Only spending hours indulging the “dark” aspects of our personality rather than months. Calling ourselves out before we are seduced by the slippery-ness of it all.
We must Catch Ourselves Red Handed loving ourselves fiercely as we are the only ones who can —-fill ourselves up so we won’t be reliant on others to hold us through this life—-then we might not attract the wrong ones. If only just for today we take a look a little deeper into ourselves and ask, “How have I contributed to this hurtful situation?” Wether we want to see it or not, we always play a part in what “happens” to us.