Write her a letter, he said.

“I need to talk to her, I love her and miss her, please give this message to her”. This is what my Maternal Influence – as I call her – texts my husband. Once again, putting my husband in the middle, using him to appeal to me. “I’m sick of being in the middle” he says. But yet, he texts back to her… “I’ll talk to her” WTF. No words. I have no words.  I guess I can’t expect him to have a boundary with her. He didn’t grow up with her manipulation. He still thinks it’s mean to have a boundary, to say NO, to do what is correct and walk the other way or ignore her. THESE things will stop her in her tracks. THIS is the ticket.

When she makes a request she really doesn’t give a frogs fat ass if you have a NO. She cannot, no matter how hard you try to explain, see YOUR needs or wants. She refuses to be derailed and all the while is smiling a smug winning smile as you enter into a last ditch effort hysterical rant because nothing else is working. A waste of energy trying to explain yourself to someone who thinks you are a plaything, a fucking joke and are only there to serve HER needs. Years and years and years of attempting to get her to SEE what I went through, SEE that I too have an opinion, SEE that she is no longer in charge of my life and to SEE that she doesn’t live anywhere near reality. Done with wishing she would be any different. Who cares?

So, my husband suggests that I write her a letter, once and for all, describing how I feel and she will finally leave me alone. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL   AND just what would I be expecting? for her to stop pursuing/stalking me? for her to forget that I exist? for her to apologize for my LIFE? for her to take responsibility for raising us in an abusive, emotionally absent, cold, controlling, sexually charged, non-reality atmosphere? for her to change and be sane? for her to begin to live in reality? for her to validate my sexual abuse and tell me it happened to her too? for her to hold the perpetrators responsible, even if they are family members? for her to deal with her own demons that make her energy extremely dark? for her to confess that she stripped me of my dignity, peace, privacy, voice and creativity? yeah, right, what a dream.

She doesn’t love me – she is unable. She wants me back, oh yes. But to possess. Devour. Invade. So she could look like a good Maternal Influence. Have me back so she can look good to her friends – that all her LOVING children are around her and honoring her in all her highness. According to her I am angry and troubled. She needs to SAVE me. She refers to me as the “Lost Sheep”.  I just threw up in my mouth.  When she would touch me as a child I would feel disgust, then disassociate. She prob sexually abused me also – I mean why would her touch make my skin crawl?  Her energy is so vile I have no desire to be anywhere around her. Imagine having to be in the same room as a convicted child rapist – that’s the feeling I get when I’m in her presence. 3 years ago she snuck up on me and grabbed my arm – I wanted to cut it off. I cried for hours. Her energy makes me want to hide, curl up in a ball and stuff myself somewhere soft and comforting and wait for her to be gone.

I don’t have any expectations where she is concerned. I actually forget that she exists. Really. No joke. A month can go by and I don’t realize that she is here. So, when my husband suggested that I write to her – I was speechless. Then my victimizers show up, you know, those little bastard voices inside that were put there many moons ago. The voices of self-doubt, self hate, shame, guilt, scolding, trickery- show up one at a time. I listen to each victimizer, then promptly walk them and their nonsense, screams and mind-fucks  – out of my head. They sound something like this….. They bait me -“wow, you really are awful” “don’t you care at all?” the infamous “she’s your mother!” “She thinks you’re angry” “you’re really being unfair, what if your child turned his back on you” “everyone is angry with you for doing this to mom” “none of your siblings support what you’ve done” “why are you carrying this on so long”, “A caring person would not turn their back on someone” and “What if she dies” – well, parts of me died a long time ago and no-one batted an eye, hmmm.

Only because I truly believe in MY TRUTH, my process of coming out of the grips of trauma, my shedding of the old patterns (including people who are, by nature, evil) – can I feel amazing about what I have done. AND THAT IS TO WALK AWAY, INTACT.  They could not shut me down or shut me UP LOL. I was the surprise in the Cracker Jack box. Amongst all the nuts and the corn, the different one, the one who demanded attention, the light in the darkness. This would be me 😍

So…not really sure how to capture all this history in a letter to my Maternal Influence. LMAO. Why even bother? I don’t need her in my life. I have crafted an amazing life for myself. I am truly content with my circle. I have so much joy, joy that I never knew anything about as I grew up. My heart, my lovely heart has been able to heal and open. I can feel deeply and react with appropriate emotion immediately in the moment. What?

If I launched into a dissertation about the WHY of my “no contact” choice it would fall on deaf ears. I’m sure I would be talking a foreign language to her, why bother? who cares? and she would try, as she has done before, to defend her “good mothering” – just threw up in my mouth again. She has creepy energy and the most important piece of that is that she doesn’t think there IS or ever WAS anything wrong with what she has done and WILL NOT spend one minute on the past. There is no hope of her ever changing. She is too damaged and although that is tragic it is not my problem to fix. She has no place in my life. That is all. There will be no letter. Ever. Besides this one.

This is no reason to be sad or have pity for my past situation. Life is amazing. I don’t think I would be saying that or even be here on this earth – had I stayed in her presence and continued to bathe in that filthy energy. It’s a long process with a ton of un-doing and many really uncomfortable decisions to be made but the worst is wayyyyyyy over. Peace out.