I was with a woman last night who really has it out for herself. I mean, the car felt crowded and it was only the 2 of us in there. She felt heavy. If stared at her long enough I might get a clear pic of the degrading bastard who grips her aliveness. This invisible energy that slaughters her every attempt she makes… to shine. The invisible beast with tentacles, squeezing the happy, proud, self-confidence right out of her.
She apologizes for everything. Even conditions that have nothing to do with her. That were in place long before she arrived. Apologies for how long it takes for her to get into my car. For the trouble she has lifting herself onto the seat. Half muttering about my car being too high, then shifting in the same statement and saying it’s prob because she’s too old and too big. She apologizes for how slow she walks, her sneakers, her age and her making a decision to take the back roads instead of the highway to meet me. Holy Hell! Life must be so difficult for her with this toxic self talk – degrading herself to the point that compels others to attempt to pump her with (fake) compliments or walk away from her. It felt as if someone dropped a big, heavy, wet wool blanket over us (and I’m allergic to wool). Irritating, uncomfortable, itchy, leaving me to fantasize about the culmination of our ride.
“Of course, that’s just me” “I don’t know if anything I do, works”. She, at times, turns the critical onto me. “You pulled out too far into the intersection”, “Well, if you weren’t walking too fast”, “You pushed the door open too much”, I don’t think she’s conscious of it. The blaming, self-depreciation cycle from hell.
Most of what is said is sprinkled with negative self talk. Someone(s) ruined this poor woman from birth. If I spend too long thinking about that I can get very angry – the anger she has every right to realize – then sad, for her loss of a VOICE, the right to simply EXIST without apology and self degradation, the conditioned way she HAS to make herself LESS (before someone else does 😔). She’s not making any waves. She’s just here to serve others and make sure THEIR lives are comfortable. Poor thing.
Who were these fucking idiots who continued THEIR cycle of abuse, out on her? Prob a long line of them that hammered away at her since she was a toddler. And she, her good soldier self, continues to live THEIR agenda like a good little girl. She’s carrying on the family abuse, turning it inward because she (subconsciously) wants to make herself pay, killing herself and softly attempting to claw at others for simply existing (me owning a car 😳, walking my normal pace, holding a door open for her but of course, too far for her liking). She believes, lives and breathes what “they” taught her. That she’s dumb, fat, old, invisible, full of wrong choices and screw-ups. Conscious or not of how we behave or how we talk to ourselves… we do (out– onto others or in – making ourselves pay) what was done to us, habitually. Without a thought. Unless. Unless you have a guide, a very wise guide, helping you to navigate your inner world, where the voices of the trauma live.
On my healing journey I am so much more conscious and recognize old patterns that I am still living. I am committed to extinguishing as many as my lifetime will allow me to. What we tell ourselves, how we think about ourselves – is how we see the world. Unconscious
When I think or say, Geez, I’m really getting old, for instance, I am limiting my existence as a vibrant, healthy, capable, mentally clear young adult. This negative self talk and self imposed judgement does not allow for freedom and expansion. Instead, it keeps feeding the generational belief that I must remain “less” and succumb to aging the way everyone did before me.
Seek and find ppl outside of your family of origin !!!! Who can TOLERATE and be comfortable with you being alllllll fabulous. My “family” cannot. We ALL absorbed the undercurrent of —just fly under the radar, don’t toot your own horn or brag or feel too special, you must maintain your composure and not be too happy, can’t look too good cause that would be gloating and you might “make” others sad or jealous or angry with you— See how there’s absolutely NO ROOM to shine in there? Only darkness was allowed.
I know that our self talk is directly related to how we were programmed as children. End. Of. Story.
Do battle with that self talk – check in with someone you trust (for me, it’s usually a stranger 😂, I love strangers!) someone who is completely objective. Ask them if you should take the blame for _____, if you should tell yourself __________, if there is any truth in how you’re feeling, etc.. It usually takes another set of eyes/ears to flush out the ridiculousness, the lies, the distorted view – that we subscribe to.
Every time. Every time we question WHAT or HOW we’ve been taught to feel or be… is another jewel in our crown of self-awareness. Wear it proudly, wear it on those days you feel the world might roll you. Wear it to give you the strength to see. See how you never realized that now, now WE do this shit, WE carry the dysfunctional torch… saying these LIES to ourselves. Under our breath, a groan when we look in the mirror, the way we dismiss the good shit (such as compliments) immediately but hold onto a sideways glance from another…for days 🙄🙄🙄🙄😔
The Universe will bring us more of what we “need” to turn this around. We attract what we NEED to heal. We ATTRACT what we need to heal. We attract WHAT we need to heal. Life sucks? Ppl treat you like a bag of stool? In an abusive relationship? You are attracting this bullshit. Sorry, not sorry.
My deepest gratitude to this lovely lady I had the honor to be with. Through all the negative, self hating self-talk there is a beautiful, warm heart, just waiting patiently for the rest of her being to catch up 😘. Namaste, my lovely.